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Browse Through Our Collection of 5,191 Chuck Norris Jokes

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Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.

Rated 4.24/5 (4539 Votes)

Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open.

Rated 3.79/5 (234 Votes)

Apple pays Chuck Norris 99 cents every time he listens to a song.

Rated 3.75/5 (273 Votes)

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.

Rated 3.84/5 (347 Votes)

Crop circles are Chuck Norris' way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie down.

Rated 3.46/5 (253 Votes)

Chuck Norris is ten feet tall, weighs two-tons, breathes fire, and could eat a hammer and take a shotgun blast standing.

Rated 1.84/5 (491 Votes)

The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed miserably.

Rated 4.14/5 (980 Votes)

Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, not the box jellyfish of northern Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth. Within 3 minutes of being bitten, a human being experiences the following symptoms: fever, blurred vision, beard rash, tightness of the jeans, and the feeling of being repeatedly kicked through a car windshield.

Rated 3.74/5 (303 Votes)

Most people have 23 pairs of chromosomes. Chuck Norris has 72... and they're all poisonous.

Rated 3.44/5 (267 Votes)

If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds 'til." After you ask, "Two seconds 'til what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.

Rated 3.82/5 (290 Votes)

Chuck Norris drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls.

Rated 2.16/5 (431 Votes)

When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes, ever.

Rated 4.02/5 (256 Votes)

Chuck Norris invented Kentucky Fried Chicken's famous secret recipe, with eleven herbs and spices. But nobody ever mentions the twelfth ingredient: Fear.

Rated 3.3/5 (244 Votes)

CNN was originally created as the "Chuck Norris Network" to update Americans with on-the-spot ass kicking in real-time.

Rated 3.84/5 (269 Votes)

There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.

Rated 4.2/5 (3393 Votes)

Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.

Rated 3.63/5 (363 Votes)

What was going through the minds of all of Chuck Norris' victims before they died? His shoe.

Rated 4.12/5 (1954 Votes)

Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

Rated 4.16/5 (2858 Votes)

Police label anyone attacking Chuck Norris as a Code 45-11.... a suicide.

Rated 4.14/5 (2811 Votes)

Chuck Norris doesn't churn butter. He roundhouse kicks the cows and the butter comes straight out.

Rated 3.88/5 (238 Votes)
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