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Chuck Norris doesn’t wash his clothes, he disembowels them.

Rated 2.54/5 (160 Votes)

A Handicapped parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

Rated 4.11/5 (2374 Votes)

Chuck Norris will attain statehood in 2009. His state flower will be the Magnolia.

Rated 1.78/5 (272 Votes)

Someone once videotaped Chuck Norris getting pissed off. It was called Walker: Texas Chain Saw Massacre.

Rated 3.72/5 (294 Votes)

Chuck Norris originally appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."

Rated 4.01/5 (349 Votes)

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool Chuck Norris once and he will roundhouse you in the face.

Rated 3.4/5 (209 Votes)

The opening scene of the movie "Saving Private Ryan" is loosely based on games of dodgeball Chuck Norris played in second grade.

Rated 4.03/5 (460 Votes)

Chuck Norris once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a spacesuit. On July 19th, 1999, a naked Chuck Norris re-entered the earth's atmosphere, streaking over 14 states and reaching a temperature of 3000 degrees. An embarrassed NASA publically claimed it was a meteor, and still owes him a beer.

Rated 4.05/5 (550 Votes)

Chuck Norris has two speeds: Walk and Kill.

Rated 4.06/5 (610 Votes)

Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.

Rated 3.97/5 (260 Votes)

Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship.

Rated 3.63/5 (163 Votes)

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a true story: Chuck Norris once swallowed a turtle whole, and when he crapped it out, the turtle was six feet tall and had learned karate.

Rated 4.08/5 (741 Votes)

Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris.

Rated 3.84/5 (227 Votes)

Faster than a speeding bullet ... more powerful than a locomotive ... able to leap tall buildings in a single bound... yes, these are some of Chuck Norris's warm-up exercises.

Rated 4.09/5 (291 Votes)

Chuck Norris is the only human being to display the Heisenberg uncertainty principle -- you can never know both exactly where and how quickly he will roundhouse-kick you in the face.

Rated 3.27/5 (154 Votes)

In the Bible, Jesus turned water into wine. But then Chuck Norris turned that wine into beer.

Rated 3.81/5 (218 Votes)

Chuck Norris can hit you so hard that he can actually alter your DNA. Decades from now your descendants will occasionally clutch their heads and yell "What The Hell was That?"

Rated 4.03/5 (622 Votes)

Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris.

Rated 4.08/5 (500 Votes)

Chuck Norris discovered a new theory of relativity involving multiple universes in which Chuck Norris is even more badass than in this one. When it was discovered by Albert Einstein and made public, Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicked him in the face. We know Albert Einstein today as Stephen Hawking.

Rated 3.93/5 (303 Votes)

Chuck Norris doesn't shower, he only takes blood baths.

Rated 3.28/5 (192 Votes)
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