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Chuck Norris doesn't need matches; his candles, barbecue pits, and fireplaces light up out of sheer terror.

Rated 3.86/5 (14 Votes)

Chuck Norris once kicked Jay Leno's Great-Great-Great-Great-Great-Great-Great-Great-Grandfather in the chin.

Rated 3.14/5 (21 Votes)

Time ticks on out of fear that if it stops for even 1/999999999999999999th of a second, Chuck Norris will roundhouse kick it in the face.

Rated 2.92/5 (13 Votes)

Chuck Norris eats wood chips and shits 2x4's.

Rated 3.95/5 (20 Votes)

James Hetfield sleeps with one eye open... because of Chuck Norris.

Rated 3.55/5 (20 Votes)

Chuck Norris causes the floods of the Nile when he's dipping his toe... in the Mediterranean Sea.

Rated 3.06/5 (18 Votes)

Chuck Norris once appeared on an episode of American Gladiators. It was the shortest episode in history.

Rated 3.91/5 (22 Votes)

This would have been another great Chuck Norris joke, but Chuck already found me, stabbed me with my pen, and strangled me with the piece of paper I was writing the joke on.

Rated 3/5 (21 Votes)

Chuck Norris once smoked a cigarette, but he didn't get addicted to smoking. The cigarette got addicted to Chuck Norris.

Rated 3.94/5 (53 Votes)

Chuck Norris once killed 100 men with nothing but half a staple held with his front teeth.

Rated 3.5/5 (14 Votes)

Chuck Norris doesn't have any fire extinguishers anywhere in his home. He already HAS two fists.

Rated 2.82/5 (17 Votes)

Chuck Norris has never paid for groceries...EVER!

Rated 2.09/5 (22 Votes)

Chuck Norris plays poker with his cards facing the wrong way...AND WINS!

Rated 3.44/5 (18 Votes)

Chuck Norris said, "I'll hit you with so many rights your going to beg for a left."

Rated 2.27/5 (11 Votes)

All aliens were just former humans who were roundhouse kicked so hard by Chuck Norris their entire body became green and ugly.

Rated 2.67/5 (12 Votes)

Chuck Norris once played God at guitar hero on expert. It was a tie.

Rated 3.05/5 (19 Votes)

The only reason people are fat is because their belly is still swollen after getting punched by Chuck Norris.

Rated 3.14/5 (14 Votes)

Leopords have spots because Chuck Norris Punched them all.

Rated 3/5 (8 Votes)

Chuck Norris can read your lips while standing behind you.

Rated 4.12/5 (188 Votes)

Chuck Norriss' sense of smell is so good, he knows every dog by name.

Rated 3/5 (10 Votes)
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