Top 100 Chuck Norris Jokes - Facts
Here are the top 100 Chuck Norris Jokes (Facts).
Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone.
Rated 4.32/5 (1181 Votes)
Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris' leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.
Rated 4.31/5 (976 Votes)
Chuck Norris doesn't play "hide-and-seek." He plays "hide-and-pray-I-don't-find-you."
Rated 4.31/5 (655 Votes)
Chuck Norris's daughter lost her virginity, he got it back.
Rated 4.3/5 (522 Votes)
When Chuck was in middle school, his English teacher assigned an essay: "What is courage?" Chuck received an A+ for turning in a blank page with only his name at the top.
Rated 4.29/5 (989 Votes)
The real reason Hitler killed himself is because he found out that Chuck Norris is Jewish.
Rated 4.29/5 (917 Votes)
Chuck Norris can drown a fish.
Rated 4.29/5 (818 Votes)
Chuck Norris can hear sign language.
Rated 4.29/5 (749 Votes)
Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Chuck Norris can kill 100 percent of whatever the hell he wants.
Rated 4.29/5 (707 Votes)
Chuck can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.
Rated 4.29/5 (453 Votes)
Chuck Norris can kill your imaginary friends.
Rated 4.29/5 (287 Votes)
Death once had a near-Chuck-Norris experience.
Rated 4.28/5 (839 Votes)
Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.
Rated 4.28/5 (837 Votes)
Some kids piss their name in the snow. Chuck Norris can piss his name into concrete.
Rated 4.28/5 (835 Votes)
Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.
Rated 4.28/5 (714 Votes)
Chuck Norris can build a snowman out of rain.
Rated 4.28/5 (621 Votes)
Chuck Norris puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter".
Rated 4.28/5 (553 Votes)
Chuck Norris is the only person that can punch a cyclops between the eye.
Rated 4.28/5 (531 Votes)
The saddest moment for a child is not when he learns Santa Claus isn't real, it's when he learns Chuck Norris is.
Rated 4.28/5 (506 Votes)
Chuck Norris' dog is trained to pick up his own poop because Chuck Norris will not take shit from anyone.
Rated 4.28/5 (494 Votes)
A bulletproof vest wears Chuck Norris for protection.
Rated 4.28/5 (269 Votes)
Chuck Norris is the reason Waldo is hiding.
Rated 4.27/5 (804 Votes)
Giraffes were created when Chuck Norris uppercutted a horse.
Rated 4.27/5 (639 Votes)
Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun.
Rated 4.27/5 (614 Votes)
If you spell Chuck Norris wrong on Google it doesn't say, "Did you mean Chuck Norris?" It simply replies, "Run while you still have the chance."
Rated 4.27/5 (512 Votes)
Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because he only recognizes the element of surprise.
Rated 4.27/5 (501 Votes)
Chuck Norris beat the sun in a staring contest.
Rated 4.27/5 (466 Votes)
Chuck Norris' calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd. No one fools Chuck Norris.
Rated 4.27/5 (392 Votes)
Chuck Norris can unscramble an egg.
Rated 4.27/5 (322 Votes)
Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle.
Rated 4.26/5 (668 Votes)
Chuck Norris doesn't teabag , he potatoe sacks.
Rated 4.26/5 (593 Votes)
Chuck Norris counted to infinity. Twice.
Rated 4.26/5 (461 Votes)
Brett Favre can throw a football over 50 yards. Chuck Norris can throw Brett Favre even further.
Rated 4.26/5 (449 Votes)
Chuck Norris once bowled a perfect game with a marble.
Rated 4.26/5 (254 Votes)
Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.
Rated 4.25/5 (723 Votes)
Chuck Norris was once charged with three attempted murders in Boulder County, but the Judge quickly dropped the charges because Chuck Norris does not "attempt" murder.
Rated 4.25/5 (548 Votes)
Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
Rated 4.25/5 (544 Votes)
Chuck Norris makes onions cry.
Rated 4.25/5 (397 Votes)
Chuck Norris once went to mars. Thats why there is no signs of life.
Rated 4.25/5 (393 Votes)
The original title for Alien vs. Predator was Alien and Predator vs Chuck Norris. The film was cancelled shortly after going into preproduction. No one would pay nine dollars to see a movie fourteen seconds long.
Rated 4.25/5 (276 Votes)
Chuck Norris can make a slinky go upstairs.
Rated 4.25/5 (127 Votes)
Chuck Norris is not above the law, he is the law.
Rated 4.25/5 (12 Votes)
If Chuck Norris has 10 bananas, and you take away 7, he still has 10.
Rated 4.25/5 (8 Votes)
Chuck Norris knows Victoria's secret.
Rated 4.24/5 (676 Votes)
Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris pajamas.
Rated 4.24/5 (549 Votes)
When Chuck Norris enters a room, he doesn't turn the lights on, he turns the dark off.
Rated 4.24/5 (490 Votes)
Chuck Norris CAN believe it's not butter.
Rated 4.23/5 (555 Votes)
It is considered a great accomplishment to go down Niagara Falls in a wooden barrel. Chuck Norris can go up Niagara Falls in a cardboard box.
Rated 4.23/5 (519 Votes)
When Chuck Norris gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live.
Rated 4.23/5 (501 Votes)
Chuck Norris is the only person on the planet that can kick you in the back of the face.
Rated 4.23/5 (498 Votes)
If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but Chuck Norris says its beef, then it's beef.
Rated 4.23/5 (495 Votes)
Chuck Norris beat Halo 1, 2, and 3 on Legendary with a broken Guitar Hero controller.
Rated 4.23/5 (285 Votes)
When Bruce Banner gets mad he turns into the Hulk. When the Hulk gets mad
he turns into Chuck Norris. When Chuck Norris gets mad, run.
Rated 4.23/5 (87 Votes)
Jesus can walk on water, but Chuck Norris can swim through dry land.
Rated 4.22/5 (712 Votes)
Bill Gates lives in constant fear that Chuck Norris' PC will crash.
Rated 4.22/5 (507 Votes)
If you swallow a quarter and Chuck Norris round house kicks you in the stomach you will crap out two dimes and a nickel.
Rated 4.22/5 (118 Votes)
If Chuck Norris was Mexican, he wouldn't need to jump the border, it would move out of his way.
Rated 4.22/5 (54 Votes)
Chuck Norris CAN find the end of a circle.
Rated 4.21/5 (381 Votes)
Chuck Norris doesn't need a watch. He decides what time it is.
Rated 4.21/5 (77 Votes)
Chuck actually died four years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.
Rated 4.2/5 (538 Votes)
Chuck Norris used to beat the shit out of his shadow because it was following to close. It now stands a safe 30 feet behind him.
Rated 4.2/5 (483 Votes)
The reason newborn babies cry is because they know they have just entered a world with Chuck Norris.
Rated 4.2/5 (405 Votes)
Chuck Norris can run a 3-legged race by himself.
Rated 4.2/5 (224 Votes)
In the early 70's Chuck Norris and Arnold Schwarzenegger got into a fight. With just one round house kick to the face, Arnold hasn't talked the same ever since
Rated 4.2/5 (148 Votes)
Chuck Norris can hack a computer with a toothpick, pocket lint, and a tomato.
Rated 4.2/5 (15 Votes)
There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.
Rated 4.19/5 (448 Votes)
Chuck Norris can squeeze orange juice out of a lemon
Rated 4.19/5 (365 Votes)
Chuck Norris stole the cookie from the cookie jar...and if you value your life, you'll let him eat in peace.
Rated 4.19/5 (242 Votes)
Chuck Norris can speak French... In Russian.
Rated 4.19/5 (89 Votes)
Chuck Norris will NOT let go of your Eggo.
Rated 4.19/5 (80 Votes)
The only time Chuck Norris was wrong was when he thought he had made a mistake.
Rated 4.18/5 (542 Votes)
Chuck Norris can speak braille.
Rated 4.18/5 (515 Votes)
When Chuck Norris looks in a mirror the mirror shatters, because not even glass is stupid enough to get in between Chuck Norris and Chuck Norris.
Rated 4.18/5 (461 Votes)
A Handicapped parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
Rated 4.18/5 (438 Votes)
Chuck Norris can hit you so hard your blood will bleed.
Rated 4.18/5 (204 Votes)
Chuck Norris once smoked a cigarette, and the cigarette died of Chuck Cancer.
Rated 4.18/5 (116 Votes)
Chuck Norris can delete the Recycling Bin.
Rated 4.17/5 (515 Votes)
Chuck Norris doesn't cheat death. He wins fair and square.
Rated 4.17/5 (459 Votes)
What was going through the minds of all of Chuck Norris' victims before they died? His shoe.
Rated 4.17/5 (435 Votes)
Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting implies the possibility of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
Rated 4.17/5 (418 Votes)
Chuck Norris can tie his shoes with his feet.
Rated 4.17/5 (336 Votes)
The opening scene of the movie "Saving Private Ryan" is loosely based on games of dodgeball Chuck Norris played in second grade.
Rated 4.17/5 (190 Votes)
Champions eat wheaties for breakfast. Chuck Norris eats champions for breakfast.
Rated 4.17/5 (157 Votes)
Chuck Norris can make apple juice with oranges.
Rated 4.17/5 (93 Votes)
Chuck Norris's Blood Type is AK-47.
Rated 4.16/5 (505 Votes)
Police label anyone attacking Chuck Norris as a Code 45-11.... a suicide.
Rated 4.16/5 (492 Votes)
Chuck Norris tells Simon what to do.
Rated 4.16/5 (443 Votes)
The reason the Holy Grail has never been recovered is because nobody is
brave enough to ask Chuck Norris to give up his favourite coffee mug.
Rated 4.16/5 (428 Votes)
Chuck Norris doesn't wear a condom because theres no such thing as protection from Chuck Norris.
Rated 4.16/5 (227 Votes)
If he wanted to, Chuck Norris could rob a bank. By phone.
Rated 4.16/5 (200 Votes)
Chuck Norris can sit in the corner of a round room.
Rated 4.16/5 (50 Votes)
Chuck Norris once had a heart attack; his heart lost.
Rated 4.15/5 (484 Votes)
Chuck Norris was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.
Rated 4.15/5 (469 Votes)
On a high school math test, Chuck Norris put down "Violence" as every one of the answers. He got an A+ on the test because Chuck Norris solves all his problems with Violence.
Rated 4.15/5 (426 Votes)
Chuck Norris's computer has no "backspace" button, Chuck Norris doesn't make mistakes.
Rated 4.15/5 (263 Votes)
Tough men eat nails. Chuck Norris does all his grocery shopping at Home Depot.
Rated 4.15/5 (142 Votes)
Chuck Norris doesn't use pickup lines, he simply says, "Now."
Rated 4.15/5 (101 Votes)
M.C. Hammer learned the hard way that Chuck Norris can touch this.
Rated 4.14/5 (493 Votes)
Chuck Norris has the greatest Poker-Face of all time. He won the 1983 World Series of Poker, despite holding only a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoloy card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO.
Rated 4.13/5 (428 Votes)
When the Tooth fairy comes to your house she takes your tooth and gives you money. When Chuck Norris comes to your house he breaks your tooth and takes your money.
Rated 4.12/5 (369 Votes)
