Top 100 Chuck Norris Jokes - Facts
Here are the top 100 Chuck Norris Jokes (Facts).
Every year in the U.S. Chuck Norris strikes lightning 39 times.
When Chuck Norris was a freshman in High School, 7 seniors took him Snipe hunting in the woods. He killed 19 Snipes, a grizzly bear and 3 timber wolves. Oddly, the 7 seniors are still missing.
When you run up a hill and grow older, it's called an age ramp. When Chuck Norris runs DOWN a hill and YOU DIE, it's called a rampage.
Chuck Norris practices Origami with plywood.
Chuck Norris can pull a hat out of a rabbit.
Chuck Norris threw a grenade and killed 50 people, then it exploded.
Rated 4.28/5 (2955 Votes)
A police officer once pulled over Chuck Norris. The police officer was lucky to leave with just a warning.
When a zombie apocalypse starts, Chuck Norris doesn't try to survive. The zombies do.
Rated 4.19/5 (1253 Votes)
Chuck Norris once went to mars. Thats why there is no signs of life.
Rated 4.18/5 (2183 Votes)
Chuck Norris can speak French... In Russian.
Rated 4.18/5 (1807 Votes)
Chuck Norris once climbed Mt. Everest in 15 minutes, 14 of which he was building a snowman at the bottom.
Rated 4.18/5 (1732 Votes)
Fear of spiders is called arachnophobia, fear of tight spaces is called claustrophobia, and fear of Chuck Norris is just plain logic.
Rated 4.18/5 (1324 Votes)
Chuck Norris can cut a knife with butter.
Rated 4.18/5 (1279 Votes)
Chuck Norris turned down the Terminator roles because he hates chick flicks.
When Chuck Norris was in middle school, his English teacher assigned an essay: "What is courage?" He received an A+ for turning in a blank page with only his name at the top.
Rated 4.17/5 (4479 Votes)
Chuck Norris knows Victoria's secret.
Rated 4.17/5 (3041 Votes)
Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.
Rated 4.17/5 (2971 Votes)
Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Chuck Norris can kill 100 percent of whatever the hell he wants.
Rated 4.17/5 (2859 Votes)
Brett Favre can throw a football over 50 yards. Chuck Norris can throw Brett Favre even further.
Rated 4.17/5 (2547 Votes)
Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle.
Rated 4.17/5 (2516 Votes)
When Chuck Norris gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live.
Rated 4.17/5 (2415 Votes)
Chuck Norris is the only person that can punch a cyclops between the eye.
Rated 4.17/5 (2324 Votes)
Chuck Norris counted to infinity. Twice.
Rated 4.17/5 (2303 Votes)
Chuck Norris tells Simon what to do.
Rated 4.17/5 (2142 Votes)
Chuck can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.
Rated 4.17/5 (2046 Votes)
There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.
Rated 4.17/5 (2023 Votes)
The reason the Holy Grail has never been recovered is because nobody is
brave enough to ask Chuck Norris to give up his favourite coffee mug.
Rated 4.17/5 (2016 Votes)
M.C. Hammer learned the hard way that Chuck Norris can touch this.
Rated 4.17/5 (2006 Votes)
Bill Gates lives in constant fear that Chuck Norris' PC will crash.
Rated 4.17/5 (1957 Votes)
Police label anyone attacking Chuck Norris as a Code 45-11.... a suicide.
Rated 4.17/5 (1875 Votes)
When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
Rated 4.17/5 (1587 Votes)
Chuck Norris can pick oranges from an apple tree and make the best lemonade youve ever tasted.
Rated 4.17/5 (1568 Votes)
Chuck Norris doesnt wear a watch. He decides what time it is.
Rated 4.17/5 (1507 Votes)
Chuck Norris doesn't dial the wrong number, you pick up the wrong phone.
Rated 4.17/5 (1276 Votes)
Jack was nimble, Jack was quick, but Jack still couldn't dodge Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick.
Rated 4.17/5 (1149 Votes)
Chuck Norris wrecked his bicycle and skinned the sidewalk with his knee.
Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone.
Rated 4.16/5 (4174 Votes)
Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris' leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.
Rated 4.16/5 (3512 Votes)
The real reason Hitler killed himself is because he found out that Chuck Norris is Jewish.
Rated 4.16/5 (3455 Votes)
Chuck Norris can hear sign language.
Rated 4.16/5 (3149 Votes)
Some kids piss their name in the snow. Chuck Norris can piss his name into concrete.
Rated 4.16/5 (3027 Votes)
Death once had a near-Chuck-Norris experience.
Rated 4.16/5 (2927 Votes)
Chuck Norris can drown a fish.
Rated 4.16/5 (2756 Votes)
Chuck Norris beat the sun in a staring contest.
Rated 4.16/5 (2741 Votes)
Chuck Norris is the reason Waldo is hiding.
Rated 4.16/5 (2725 Votes)
Chuck Norris' calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd. No one fools Chuck Norris.
Rated 4.16/5 (2723 Votes)
Chuck Norris was once charged with three attempted murders in Boulder County, but the Judge quickly dropped the charges because Chuck Norris does not "attempt" murder.
Rated 4.16/5 (2679 Votes)
Chuck Norris can build a snowman out of rain.
Rated 4.16/5 (2596 Votes)
Chuck Norris can kill your imaginary friends.
Rated 4.16/5 (2581 Votes)
Chuck Norris was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.
Rated 4.16/5 (2395 Votes)
Giraffes were created when Chuck Norris uppercutted a horse.
Rated 4.16/5 (2384 Votes)
If you spell Chuck Norris wrong on Google it doesn't say, "Did you mean Chuck Norris?" It simply replies, "Run while you still have the chance."
Rated 4.16/5 (2358 Votes)
Chuck Norris puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter".
Rated 4.16/5 (2328 Votes)
A bulletproof vest wears Chuck Norris for protection.
Rated 4.16/5 (2324 Votes)
Chuck Norris's Blood Type is AK-47.
Rated 4.16/5 (2306 Votes)
When Chuck Norris enters a room, he doesn't turn the lights on, he turns the dark off.
Rated 4.16/5 (2258 Votes)
Chuck Norris makes onions cry.
Rated 4.16/5 (2240 Votes)
Chuck Norris's daughter lost her virginity, he got it back.
Rated 4.16/5 (2231 Votes)
If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but Chuck Norris says its beef, then it's beef.
Rated 4.16/5 (2194 Votes)
When Bruce Banner gets mad he turns into the Hulk. When the Hulk gets mad
he turns into Chuck Norris. When Chuck Norris gets mad, run.
Rated 4.16/5 (2159 Votes)
It is considered a great accomplishment to go down Niagara Falls in a wooden barrel. Chuck Norris can go up Niagara Falls in a cardboard box.
Rated 4.16/5 (2077 Votes)
Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
Rated 4.16/5 (1931 Votes)
On a high school math test, Chuck Norris put down "Violence" as every one of the answers. He got an A+ on the test because Chuck Norris solves all his problems with Violence.
Rated 4.16/5 (1860 Votes)
Chuck Norris once bowled a perfect game with a marble.
Rated 4.16/5 (1849 Votes)
Chuck Norris CAN find the end of a circle.
Rated 4.16/5 (1784 Votes)
Chuck Norris can hit you so hard your blood will bleed.
Rated 4.16/5 (1767 Votes)
The original title for Alien vs. Predator was Alien and Predator vs Chuck Norris. The film was cancelled shortly after going into preproduction. No one would pay nine dollars to see a movie fourteen seconds long.
Rated 4.16/5 (1700 Votes)
If he wanted to, Chuck Norris could rob a bank. By phone.
Rated 4.16/5 (1537 Votes)
Chuck Norris doesn't have good aim. His bullets just know better than to miss.
Rated 4.16/5 (1197 Votes)
Every Chuck Norris joke is a five star joke just because it says Chuck Norris.
Rated 4.16/5 (1166 Votes)
Chuck refers to himself in the fourth person.
Chuck Norris doesn't play "hide-and-seek." He plays "hide-and-pray-I-don't-find-you."
Rated 4.15/5 (3133 Votes)
The saddest moment for a child is not when he learns Santa Claus isn't real, it's when he learns Chuck Norris is.
Rated 4.15/5 (2111 Votes)
Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun.
Rated 4.15/5 (2074 Votes)
Chuck Norris' dog is trained to pick up his own poop because Chuck Norris will not take shit from anyone.
Rated 4.15/5 (2019 Votes)
Chuck Norris beat Halo 1, 2, and 3 on Legendary with a broken Guitar Hero controller.
Rated 4.15/5 (1967 Votes)
Chuck Norris is the only person on the planet that can kick you in the back of the face.
Rated 4.15/5 (1900 Votes)
Chuck Norris can speak braille.
Rated 4.15/5 (1891 Votes)
A Handicapped parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
Rated 4.15/5 (1872 Votes)
Chuck Norris doesn't cheat death. He wins fair and square.
Rated 4.15/5 (1745 Votes)
Chuck Norris's computer has no "backspace" button, Chuck Norris doesn't make mistakes.
Rated 4.15/5 (1653 Votes)
Chuck Norris can make a slinky go upstairs.
Rated 4.15/5 (1426 Votes)
Chuck Norris plays russian roulette with a fully loded revolver... and wins.
Rated 4.15/5 (1421 Votes)
Chuck Norris can put out a fire with a gallon of gasoline.
Chuck actually died four years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.
Rated 4.14/5 (2113 Votes)
The reason newborn babies cry is because they know they have just entered a world with Chuck Norris.
Rated 4.14/5 (1823 Votes)
Chuck Norris can squeeze orange juice out of a lemon
Rated 4.14/5 (1717 Votes)
Chuck Norris will never have a heart attack...
even a heart isnt foolish enough to attack Chuck Norris.
Rated 4.14/5 (1357 Votes)
Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
The only time Chuck Norris was wrong was when he thought he had made a mistake.
Rated 4.13/5 (1994 Votes)
Chuck Norris can unscramble an egg.
Rated 4.13/5 (1978 Votes)
Chuck Norris cheated on his English test............with a calculator.
The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed miserably.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a true story: Chuck Norris once swallowed a turtle whole, and when he crapped it out, the turtle was six feet tall and had learned karate.
Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.
Rated 4.12/5 (2415 Votes)
Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris pajamas.
Rated 4.12/5 (2023 Votes)
Chuck Norris used to beat the shit out of his shadow because it was following to close. It now stands a safe 30 feet behind him.
Rated 4.12/5 (1850 Votes)
What was going through the minds of all of Chuck Norris' victims before they died? His shoe.
Rated 4.12/5 (1749 Votes)
Chuck Norris can delete the Recycling Bin.
Rated 4.12/5 (1674 Votes)
Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting implies the possibility of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
Rated 4.11/5 (1684 Votes)