Top 100 Chuck Norris Jokes - Facts
Here are the top 100 Chuck Norris Jokes (Facts).
When you put Chuck Norris in your GPS, he's always right behind you.
Chuck Norris once went to America's Toughest Prison for a vacation. After thirty seconds of voilence, an angry mob of 1000 convicts demanded to be put on Death Row.
Chuck Norris is the reason NWA ran Straight Outta Compton.
As a kid, Chuck Norris made his dad go to his room.
Chuck Norris threw a grenade and killed 50 people, then it exploded.
Rated 4.27/5 (3385 Votes)
When Chuck Norris crosses the steet the cars have to look both ways.
Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open and lick his elbow. At the same time.
Chuck Norris can pick oranges from an apple tree and make the best lemonade youve ever tasted.
Rated 4.17/5 (1808 Votes)
When a zombie apocalypse starts, Chuck Norris doesn't try to survive. The zombies do.
Rated 4.16/5 (1496 Votes)
Chuck Norris has a diary. It's called the Guinness Book of World Records.
When Chuck Norris was born he drove his mom home from the hospital.
Chuck Norris can put out a fire with a gallon of gasoline.
Kid have fun playing "kick the can". Chuck Norrris has fun playing "kick the kid"...
Chuck Norris counted to infinity. Twice.
Rated 4.17/5 (2481 Votes)
Brett Favre can throw a football over 50 yards. Chuck Norris can throw Brett Favre even further.
Rated 4.17/5 (2714 Votes)
Death once had a near-Chuck-Norris experience.
Rated 4.17/5 (3147 Votes)
Chuck Norris was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.
Rated 4.17/5 (2563 Votes)
Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Chuck Norris can kill 100 percent of whatever the hell he wants.
Rated 4.17/5 (3087 Votes)
Chuck Norris puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter".
Rated 4.16/5 (2491 Votes)
When Chuck Norris was in middle school, his English teacher assigned an essay: "What is courage?" He received an A+ for turning in a blank page with only his name at the top.
Rated 4.17/5 (4773 Votes)
There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.
Rated 4.17/5 (2233 Votes)
Chuck Norris doesn't have good aim. His bullets just know better than to miss.
Rated 4.16/5 (1340 Votes)
Fear of spiders is called arachnophobia, fear of tight spaces is called claustrophobia, and fear of Chuck Norris is just plain logic.
Rated 4.17/5 (1490 Votes)
Chuck Norris can cut a knife with butter.
Rated 4.16/5 (1434 Votes)
Chuck Norris once climbed Mt. Everest in 15 minutes, 14 of which he was building a snowman at the bottom.
Rated 4.17/5 (1918 Votes)
Every Chuck Norris joke is a five star joke just because it says Chuck Norris.
Rated 4.16/5 (1456 Votes)
Chuck Norris can speak French... In Russian.
Rated 4.16/5 (2004 Votes)
Chuck Norris doesnt wear a watch. He decides what time it is.
Rated 4.17/5 (1680 Votes)
If he wanted to, Chuck Norris could rob a bank. By phone.
Rated 4.17/5 (1670 Votes)
A bulletproof vest wears Chuck Norris for protection.
Rated 4.16/5 (2450 Votes)
The original title for Alien vs. Predator was Alien and Predator vs Chuck Norris. The film was cancelled shortly after going into preproduction. No one would pay nine dollars to see a movie fourteen seconds long.
Rated 4.15/5 (1820 Votes)
Chuck Norris can kill your imaginary friends.
Rated 4.17/5 (2746 Votes)
Chuck Norris's computer has no "backspace" button, Chuck Norris doesn't make mistakes.
Rated 4.16/5 (1802 Votes)
Chuck can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.
Rated 4.16/5 (2209 Votes)
Chuck Norris can hear sign language.
Rated 4.16/5 (3357 Votes)
The real reason Hitler killed himself is because he found out that Chuck Norris is Jewish.
Rated 4.17/5 (3664 Votes)
Chuck Norris once went to mars. Thats why there are no signs of life.
Rated 4.17/5 (2372 Votes)
Chuck Norris makes onions cry.
Rated 4.17/5 (2394 Votes)
Chuck Norris tells Simon what to do.
Rated 4.16/5 (2301 Votes)
Chuck Norris knows Victoria's secret.
Rated 4.16/5 (3260 Votes)
Chuck Norris beat the sun in a staring contest.
Rated 4.16/5 (2901 Votes)
Chuck Norris can hit you so hard your blood will bleed.
Rated 4.16/5 (1909 Votes)
The reason the Holy Grail has never been recovered is because nobody is
brave enough to ask Chuck Norris to give up his favourite coffee mug.
Rated 4.16/5 (2158 Votes)
When Bruce Banner gets mad he turns into the Hulk. When the Hulk gets mad
he turns into Chuck Norris. When Chuck Norris gets mad, run.
Rated 4.15/5 (2310 Votes)
Chuck Norris is the reason Waldo is hiding.
Rated 4.15/5 (2880 Votes)
Chuck Norris's Blood Type is AK-47.
Rated 4.16/5 (2441 Votes)
Chuck Norris CAN find the end of a circle.
Rated 4.16/5 (1917 Votes)
Chuck Norris doesn't play "hide-and-seek." He plays "hide-and-pray-I-don't-find-you."
Rated 4.16/5 (3287 Votes)
Chuck Norris is the only person that can punch a cyclops between the eye.
Rated 4.16/5 (2460 Votes)
It is considered a great accomplishment to go down Niagara Falls in a wooden barrel. Chuck Norris can go up Niagara Falls in a cardboard box.
Rated 4.16/5 (2220 Votes)
When Chuck Norris enters a room, he doesn't turn the lights on, he turns the dark off.
Rated 4.17/5 (2385 Votes)
Chuck Norris can drown a fish.
Rated 4.16/5 (2933 Votes)
M.C. Hammer learned the hard way that Chuck Norris can touch this.
Rated 4.17/5 (2141 Votes)
The reason newborn babies cry is because they know they have just entered a world with Chuck Norris.
Rated 4.15/5 (1938 Votes)
Chuck Norris can build a snowman out of rain.
Rated 4.16/5 (2749 Votes)
Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone.
Rated 4.16/5 (4371 Votes)
Chuck Norris was once charged with three attempted murders in Boulder County, but the Judge quickly dropped the charges because Chuck Norris does not "attempt" murder.
Rated 4.17/5 (2845 Votes)
Chuck Norris is the only person on the planet that can kick you in the back of the face.
Rated 4.15/5 (2029 Votes)
Chuck Norris' dog is trained to pick up his own poop because Chuck Norris will not take shit from anyone.
Rated 4.16/5 (2163 Votes)
When Chuck Norris gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live.
Rated 4.16/5 (2574 Votes)
Giraffes were created when Chuck Norris uppercutted a horse.
Rated 4.16/5 (2522 Votes)
If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but Chuck Norris says its beef, then it's beef.
Rated 4.16/5 (2337 Votes)
Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris' leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.
Rated 4.17/5 (3728 Votes)
When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
Rated 4.16/5 (1746 Votes)
If you spell Chuck Norris wrong on Google it doesn't say, "Did you mean Chuck Norris?" It simply replies, "Run while you still have the chance."
Rated 4.16/5 (2506 Votes)
On a high school math test, Chuck Norris put down "Violence" as every one of the answers. He got an A+ on the test because Chuck Norris solves all his problems with Violence.
Rated 4.16/5 (1989 Votes)
Chuck Norris doesn't cheat death. He wins fair and square.
Rated 4.16/5 (1883 Votes)
Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle.
Rated 4.16/5 (2678 Votes)
Chuck can divide by zero.
Police label anyone attacking Chuck Norris as a Code 45-11.... a suicide.
Rated 4.16/5 (2016 Votes)
Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
Rated 4.16/5 (2049 Votes)
Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.
Rated 4.16/5 (3191 Votes)
Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
Rated 4.16/5 (1057 Votes)
Chuck Norris' calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd. No one fools Chuck Norris.
Rated 4.16/5 (2892 Votes)
Some kids piss their name in the snow. Chuck Norris can piss his name into concrete.
Rated 4.16/5 (3202 Votes)
Chuck Norris doesn't dial the wrong number, you pick up the wrong phone.
Rated 4.16/5 (1432 Votes)
Chuck Norris can make a slinky go upstairs.
Rated 4.16/5 (1537 Votes)
Chuck Norris once bowled a perfect game with a marble.
Rated 4.15/5 (1969 Votes)
Chuck Norris beat Halo 1, 2, and 3 on Legendary with a broken Guitar Hero controller.
Rated 4.15/5 (2098 Votes)
Chuck Norris's daughter lost her virginity, he got it back.
Rated 4.15/5 (2373 Votes)
The saddest moment for a child is not when he learns Santa Claus isn't real, it's when he learns Chuck Norris is.
Rated 4.16/5 (2230 Votes)
Jack was nimble, Jack was quick, but Jack still couldn't dodge Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick.
Rated 4.16/5 (1280 Votes)
Chuck Norris plays russian roulette with a fully loded revolver... and wins.
Rated 4.15/5 (1549 Votes)
Bill Gates lives in constant fear that Chuck Norris' PC will crash.
Rated 4.16/5 (2095 Votes)
Chuck Norris can speak braille.
Rated 4.15/5 (2024 Votes)
Chuck refers to himself in the fourth person.
Chuck actually died four years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.
Rated 4.15/5 (2248 Votes)
Chuck Norris can hit you so hard that he can actually alter your DNA. Decades from now your descendants will occasionally clutch their heads and yell "What The Hell was That?"
A Handicapped parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
Rated 4.15/5 (1991 Votes)
Chuck Norris can unscramble an egg.
Rated 4.15/5 (2109 Votes)
Chuck Norris will never have a heart attack...
even a heart isnt foolish enough to attack Chuck Norris.
Rated 4.15/5 (1466 Votes)
Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun.
Rated 4.14/5 (2200 Votes)
Chuck Norris can squeeze orange juice out of a lemon
Rated 4.14/5 (1827 Votes)
Chuck Norris runs Windows Vista on his Etch-a-Sketch.
Chuck Norris can delete the Recycling Bin.
Rated 4.13/5 (1806 Votes)
Chuck Norris used to beat the shit out of his shadow because it was following to close. It now stands a safe 30 feet behind him.
Rated 4.13/5 (1979 Votes)
The only time Chuck Norris was wrong was when he thought he had made a mistake.
Rated 4.13/5 (2115 Votes)
The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed miserably.
Chuck Norris does not wear a condom. Because there is no such thing as protection from Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.
Rated 4.12/5 (2560 Votes)