Top 100 Chuck Norris Jokes - Facts
Here are the top 100 Chuck Norris Jokes (Facts).
Chuck Norris can skip the copyright notices on his DVDs.
Chuck Norris doesn't drive cars, he flies trains.
When life gives Chuck Norris lemons, Chuck Norris makes apple sauce.
Dana White has never offered Chuck Norris a UFC contract out of concern for the well being of his fighters.
Chuck Norris' hands are protected under the 2nd Amendment.
When Chuck Norris snaps his fingers, Fonzie shows up.
Trains stop at Chuck Norris crossings.
Chuck Norris can knit the softest sweater using electrical pylons.
Chuck Norris's GPS never tells him to turn around.
When Chuck Norris throws a boomerang, it doesn't come back.
Gum won't stick to Chuck Norris's shoe.
Chuck Norris can send a text message using a rotary phone.
Chuck Norris makes Spock cry.
Chuck Norris audits the IRS.
Rocks trip on Chuck Norris.
When Chuck Norris lost his first tooth, the tooth fairy put it under her pillow.
Chuck Norris' dog is a Velociraptor.
Chuck Norris threw a grenade and killed 50 people, then it exploded.
Rated 4.22/5 (6147 Votes)
Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday the thirteenth. The next day he won the lottery.
Rated 3.96/5 (1949 Votes)
Chuck Norris can speak French... In Russian.
Rated 4.11/5 (3943 Votes)
Chuck Norris can put out a fire with a gallon of gasoline.
Rated 4.01/5 (1940 Votes)
Chuck Norris once climbed Mt. Everest in 15 minutes, 14 of which he was building a snowman at the bottom.
Rated 4.08/5 (3506 Votes)
A bulletproof vest wears Chuck Norris for protection.
Rated 4.11/5 (4009 Votes)
Death once had a near-Chuck-Norris experience.
Rated 4.15/5 (4806 Votes)
Chuck Norris doesn't dial the wrong number, you pick up the wrong phone.
Fear of spiders is called arachnophobia, fear of tight spaces is called claustrophobia, and fear of Chuck Norris is just plain logic.
Rated 4.07/5 (2940 Votes)
Chuck Norris can cut a knife with butter.
Rated 4.11/5 (2886 Votes)
Every Chuck Norris joke is a five star joke just because it says Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris can kill your imaginary friends.
Rated 4.18/5 (4150 Votes)
Chuck can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.
Rated 4.18/5 (3385 Votes)
Chuck Norris can hear sign language.
Rated 4.21/5 (4677 Votes)
Chuck Norris beat the sun in a staring contest.
Rated 4.19/5 (4028 Votes)
When Bruce Banner gets mad he turns into the Hulk. When the Hulk gets mad
he turns into Chuck Norris. When Chuck Norris gets mad, run.
Rated 4.19/5 (3535 Votes)
When Chuck Norris enters a room, he doesn't turn the lights on, he turns the dark off.
Rated 4.18/5 (3548 Votes)
Chuck Norris was once charged with three attempted murders in Boulder County, but the Judge quickly dropped the charges because Chuck Norris does not "attempt" murder.
Rated 4.18/5 (3972 Votes)
Chuck Norris was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.
Rated 4.18/5 (3723 Votes)
When Chuck Norris gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live.
Rated 4.17/5 (3606 Votes)
If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but Chuck Norris says its beef, then it's beef.
Rated 4.16/5 (3399 Votes)
Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris' leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.
Chuck Norris doesn't cheat death. He wins fair and square.
Rated 4.19/5 (2810 Votes)
When Chuck Norris was in middle school, his English teacher assigned an essay: "What is courage?" He received an A+ for turning in a blank page with only his name at the top.
Rated 4.19/5 (5990 Votes)
Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.
Rated 4.22/5 (4230 Votes)
Chuck Norris' calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd. No one fools Chuck Norris.
Rated 4.18/5 (3875 Votes)
When a zombie apocalypse starts, Chuck Norris doesn't try to survive. The zombies do.
Rated 4.21/5 (2665 Votes)
When Chuck Norris was born he drove his mom home from the hospital.
Rated 4.26/5 (1300 Votes)
Chuck Norris will never have a heart attack...
even a heart isnt foolish enough to attack Chuck Norris.
Rated 4.18/5 (2248 Votes)
Chuck Norris doesnt wear a watch. He decides what time it is.
Rated 4.14/5 (2649 Votes)
If he wanted to, Chuck Norris could rob a bank. By phone.
Rated 4.15/5 (2521 Votes)
Big foot claims he saw Chuck Norris.
The real reason Hitler killed himself is because he found out that Chuck Norris is Jewish.
Rated 4.15/5 (4750 Votes)
Chuck Norris once went to mars. Thats why there are no signs of life.
Rated 4.18/5 (3369 Votes)
Chuck Norris makes onions cry.
Rated 4.19/5 (3302 Votes)
Chuck Norris counted to infinity. Twice.
Rated 4.22/5 (3614 Votes)
Chuck Norris can hit you so hard your blood will bleed.
Rated 4.16/5 (2858 Votes)
The reason the Holy Grail has never been recovered is because nobody is
brave enough to ask Chuck Norris to give up his favourite coffee mug.
Rated 4.18/5 (3067 Votes)
Chuck Norris CAN find the end of a circle.
Rated 4.14/5 (2775 Votes)
Chuck Norris doesn't play "hide-and-seek." He plays "hide-and-pray-I-don't-find-you."
Rated 4.16/5 (4180 Votes)
Chuck Norris is the only person that can punch a cyclops between the eye.
Rated 4.17/5 (3297 Votes)
Brett Favre can throw a football over 50 yards. Chuck Norris can throw Brett Favre even further.
Rated 4.17/5 (3586 Votes)
It is considered a great accomplishment to go down Niagara Falls in a wooden barrel. Chuck Norris can go up Niagara Falls in a cardboard box.
Rated 4.21/5 (3148 Votes)
Chuck Norris can drown a fish.
Rated 4.14/5 (3835 Votes)
M.C. Hammer learned the hard way that Chuck Norris can touch this.
Rated 4.19/5 (3006 Votes)
Chuck Norris plays russian roulette with a fully loded revolver... and wins.
Rated 4.17/5 (2382 Votes)
Chuck Norris can build a snowman out of rain.
Rated 4.18/5 (3604 Votes)
When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
Rated 4.19/5 (2657 Votes)
If you spell Chuck Norris wrong on Google it doesn't say, "Did you mean Chuck Norris?" It simply replies, "Run while you still have the chance."
Rated 4.13/5 (3336 Votes)
Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Chuck Norris can kill 100 percent of whatever the hell he wants.
Rated 4.18/5 (4036 Votes)
There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.
Rated 4.19/5 (3150 Votes)
Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
Rated 4.18/5 (2005 Votes)
Chuck Norris doesn't have good aim. His bullets just know better than to miss.
Rated 4.16/5 (2199 Votes)
Chuck Norris can pick oranges from an apple tree and make the best lemonade youve ever tasted.
Chuck Norris has a diary. It's called the Guinness Book of World Records.
Rated 4.28/5 (1309 Votes)
Chuck Norris beat Halo 1, 2, and 3 on Legendary with a broken Guitar Hero controller.
Rated 4.16/5 (2956 Votes)
The original title for Alien vs. Predator was Alien and Predator vs Chuck Norris. The film was cancelled shortly after going into preproduction. No one would pay nine dollars to see a movie fourteen seconds long.
Rated 4.16/5 (2615 Votes)
Chuck Norris's daughter lost her virginity, he got it back.
Rated 4.17/5 (3261 Votes)
Chuck Norris tells Simon what to do.
Rated 4.18/5 (3128 Votes)
Chuck Norris knows Victoria's secret.
Rated 4.18/5 (4214 Votes)
Chuck Norris is the reason Waldo is hiding.
Rated 4.18/5 (3710 Votes)
Chuck Norris's Blood Type is AK-47.
Rated 4.17/5 (3437 Votes)
The saddest moment for a child is not when he learns Santa Claus isn't real, it's when he learns Chuck Norris is.
Rated 4.16/5 (2981 Votes)
The reason newborn babies cry is because they know they have just entered a world with Chuck Norris.
Rated 4.15/5 (2710 Votes)
Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone.
Rated 4.18/5 (5241 Votes)
Bill Gates lives in constant fear that Chuck Norris' PC will crash.
Rated 4.17/5 (2849 Votes)
Chuck Norris' dog is trained to pick up his own poop because Chuck Norris will not take shit from anyone.
Rated 4.18/5 (3018 Votes)
Giraffes were created when Chuck Norris uppercutted a horse.
Rated 4.19/5 (3390 Votes)
Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle.
Rated 4.17/5 (3475 Votes)
Chuck refers to himself in the fourth person.
Rated 4.18/5 (1606 Votes)
Chuck actually died four years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.
Rated 4.16/5 (3068 Votes)
Police label anyone attacking Chuck Norris as a Code 45-11.... a suicide.
Rated 4.14/5 (2755 Votes)
Some kids piss their name in the snow. Chuck Norris can piss his name into concrete.
Rated 4.15/5 (4115 Votes)
Chuck Norris does not submit to homeland security, he IS homeland security.
Chuck Norris once bowled a perfect game with a marble.
Rated 4.17/5 (2679 Votes)
Chuck Norris's computer has no "backspace" button, Chuck Norris doesn't make mistakes.
Rated 4.17/5 (2625 Votes)
Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun.
Rated 4.17/5 (2850 Votes)
Jack was nimble, Jack was quick, but Jack still couldn't dodge Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick.
Rated 4.19/5 (2170 Votes)
Chuck Norris is the only person on the planet that can kick you in the back of the face.
Rated 4.18/5 (2773 Votes)
On a high school math test, Chuck Norris put down "Violence" as every one of the answers. He got an A+ on the test because Chuck Norris solves all his problems with Violence.
Rated 4.14/5 (2771 Votes)
Chuck Norris can speak braille.
Rated 4.17/5 (2800 Votes)
Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
Rated 4.15/5 (2771 Votes)
Chuck Norris can unscramble an egg.
Rated 4.16/5 (2841 Votes)