Top 100 Chuck Norris Jokes - Facts
Here are the top 100 Chuck Norris Jokes (Facts).
God created butt cracks on people so that Chuck Norris has a place to plant his foot.
Cats have Chuck-like reflexes.
Chuck Norris can suck in a black hole.
In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone else has ever gotten.
If Chuck Norris saves you're life,its only because he wants to kill you later.
Chuck Norris threw a grenade and killed 50 people, then it exploded.
Rated 4.28/5 (4054 Votes)
A friend admired Chuck's wife's diamond earrings. Chuck said,"Thanks, I squeezed them mysef.".
The shortest distance between two points is a straight line. Unless Chuck Norris is standing on the line. Then the shortest distance between two points is to run for your life.
Shooting stars are simply vapor trails left by a Chuck Norris roundhouse.
Chuck Norris can speak French... In Russian.
Chuck Norris once climbed Mt. Everest in 15 minutes, 14 of which he was building a snowman at the bottom.
Rated 4.19/5 (2286 Votes)
A bulletproof vest wears Chuck Norris for protection.
Rated 4.19/5 (2780 Votes)
Chuck Norris can kill your imaginary friends.
Rated 4.18/5 (3121 Votes)
Chuck Norris doesn't dial the wrong number, you pick up the wrong phone.
Rated 4.18/5 (1707 Votes)
Fear of spiders is called arachnophobia, fear of tight spaces is called claustrophobia, and fear of Chuck Norris is just plain logic.
Rated 4.18/5 (1822 Votes)
Chuck Norris can cut a knife with butter.
Rated 4.18/5 (1776 Votes)
Chuck Norris has a diary. It's called the Guinness Book of World Records.
Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday the thirteenth. The next day he won the lottery.
Chuck Norris abducts Aliens.
Chuck Norris doesnt wear a watch. He decides what time it is.
Rated 4.18/5 (2012 Votes)
Chuck can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.
Rated 4.18/5 (2516 Votes)
The real reason Hitler killed himself is because he found out that Chuck Norris is Jewish.
Rated 4.17/5 (4051 Votes)
Chuck Norris beat the sun in a staring contest.
Rated 4.18/5 (3192 Votes)
When Chuck Norris enters a room, he doesn't turn the lights on, he turns the dark off.
Rated 4.18/5 (2685 Votes)
Chuck Norris was once charged with three attempted murders in Boulder County, but the Judge quickly dropped the charges because Chuck Norris does not "attempt" murder.
Rated 4.18/5 (3141 Votes)
Death once had a near-Chuck-Norris experience.
Rated 4.19/5 (3556 Votes)
Chuck Norris was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.
Rated 4.18/5 (2900 Votes)
When Chuck Norris gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live.
Rated 4.18/5 (2863 Votes)
If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but Chuck Norris says its beef, then it's beef.
Rated 4.18/5 (2626 Votes)
Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris' leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.
Rated 4.18/5 (4037 Votes)
Chuck Norris doesn't cheat death. He wins fair and square.
Rated 4.18/5 (2135 Votes)
When Chuck Norris was in middle school, his English teacher assigned an essay: "What is courage?" He received an A+ for turning in a blank page with only his name at the top.
Rated 4.18/5 (5178 Votes)
Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
Rated 4.17/5 (1358 Votes)
Every Chuck Norris joke is a five star joke just because it says Chuck Norris.
Rated 4.18/5 (1985 Votes)
Chuck Norris can put out a fire with a gallon of gasoline.
If he wanted to, Chuck Norris could rob a bank. By phone.
Rated 4.17/5 (1964 Votes)
Chuck Norris can hear sign language.
Rated 4.18/5 (3705 Votes)
Chuck Norris once went to mars. Thats why there are no signs of life.
Rated 4.17/5 (2704 Votes)
Chuck Norris makes onions cry.
Rated 4.17/5 (2703 Votes)
Chuck Norris knows Victoria's secret.
Rated 4.16/5 (3644 Votes)
Chuck Norris can hit you so hard your blood will bleed.
Rated 4.17/5 (2225 Votes)
The reason the Holy Grail has never been recovered is because nobody is
brave enough to ask Chuck Norris to give up his favourite coffee mug.
Rated 4.17/5 (2451 Votes)
When Bruce Banner gets mad he turns into the Hulk. When the Hulk gets mad
he turns into Chuck Norris. When Chuck Norris gets mad, run.
Rated 4.17/5 (2620 Votes)
Chuck Norris's Blood Type is AK-47.
Rated 4.16/5 (2782 Votes)
Chuck Norris CAN find the end of a circle.
Rated 4.17/5 (2187 Votes)
Chuck Norris is the only person that can punch a cyclops between the eye.
Rated 4.17/5 (2725 Votes)
It is considered a great accomplishment to go down Niagara Falls in a wooden barrel. Chuck Norris can go up Niagara Falls in a cardboard box.
Rated 4.17/5 (2521 Votes)
M.C. Hammer learned the hard way that Chuck Norris can touch this.
Rated 4.17/5 (2414 Votes)
Chuck Norris plays russian roulette with a fully loded revolver... and wins.
Rated 4.17/5 (1793 Votes)
When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
Rated 4.17/5 (2011 Votes)
Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Chuck Norris can kill 100 percent of whatever the hell he wants.
Rated 4.17/5 (3459 Votes)
There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.
Rated 4.17/5 (2566 Votes)
Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.
Rated 4.18/5 (3466 Votes)
Chuck Norris' calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd. No one fools Chuck Norris.
Rated 4.18/5 (3168 Votes)
When a zombie apocalypse starts, Chuck Norris doesn't try to survive. The zombies do.
Rated 4.17/5 (1956 Votes)
Chuck Norris will never have a heart attack...
even a heart isnt foolish enough to attack Chuck Norris.
Rated 4.16/5 (1604 Votes)
Chuck Norris beat Halo 1, 2, and 3 on Legendary with a broken Guitar Hero controller.
Rated 4.16/5 (2384 Votes)
The original title for Alien vs. Predator was Alien and Predator vs Chuck Norris. The film was cancelled shortly after going into preproduction. No one would pay nine dollars to see a movie fourteen seconds long.
Rated 4.16/5 (2137 Votes)
Chuck Norris's daughter lost her virginity, he got it back.
Rated 4.16/5 (2653 Votes)
Chuck Norris tells Simon what to do.
Rated 4.16/5 (2591 Votes)
Chuck Norris counted to infinity. Twice.
Rated 4.17/5 (2881 Votes)
Chuck Norris is the reason Waldo is hiding.
Rated 4.16/5 (3176 Votes)
The saddest moment for a child is not when he learns Santa Claus isn't real, it's when he learns Chuck Norris is.
Rated 4.16/5 (2483 Votes)
Chuck Norris doesn't play "hide-and-seek." He plays "hide-and-pray-I-don't-find-you."
Rated 4.16/5 (3592 Votes)
Brett Favre can throw a football over 50 yards. Chuck Norris can throw Brett Favre even further.
Rated 4.17/5 (3022 Votes)
Chuck Norris can drown a fish.
Rated 4.17/5 (3219 Votes)
The reason newborn babies cry is because they know they have just entered a world with Chuck Norris.
Rated 4.16/5 (2198 Votes)
Chuck Norris can build a snowman out of rain.
Rated 4.17/5 (3026 Votes)
Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone.
Rated 4.16/5 (4674 Votes)
Bill Gates lives in constant fear that Chuck Norris' PC will crash.
Rated 4.16/5 (2342 Votes)
Chuck Norris' dog is trained to pick up his own poop because Chuck Norris will not take shit from anyone.
Rated 4.16/5 (2450 Votes)
Giraffes were created when Chuck Norris uppercutted a horse.
Rated 4.16/5 (2806 Votes)
If you spell Chuck Norris wrong on Google it doesn't say, "Did you mean Chuck Norris?" It simply replies, "Run while you still have the chance."
Rated 4.16/5 (2742 Votes)
On a high school math test, Chuck Norris put down "Violence" as every one of the answers. He got an A+ on the test because Chuck Norris solves all his problems with Violence.
Rated 4.15/5 (2238 Votes)
Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle.
Rated 4.16/5 (2929 Votes)
Police label anyone attacking Chuck Norris as a Code 45-11.... a suicide.
Rated 4.16/5 (2230 Votes)
Some kids piss their name in the snow. Chuck Norris can piss his name into concrete.
Rated 4.16/5 (3480 Votes)
Chuck Norris doesn't have good aim. His bullets just know better than to miss.
Rated 4.16/5 (1655 Votes)
Chuck Norris can pick oranges from an apple tree and make the best lemonade youve ever tasted.
Rated 4.16/5 (2314 Votes)
SEAL Team Six plays "Hide and Go Seak" with Chuck Norris just to keep their skills sharp.
Chuck Norris once bowled a perfect game with a marble.
Rated 4.15/5 (2186 Votes)
Chuck Norris's computer has no "backspace" button, Chuck Norris doesn't make mistakes.
Rated 4.15/5 (2112 Votes)
Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun.
Rated 4.15/5 (2327 Votes)
Jack was nimble, Jack was quick, but Jack still couldn't dodge Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick.
Rated 4.15/5 (1581 Votes)
Chuck Norris is the only person on the planet that can kick you in the back of the face.
Rated 4.15/5 (2272 Votes)
Chuck Norris can speak braille.
Rated 4.15/5 (2273 Votes)
Chuck refers to himself in the fourth person.
Rated 4.16/5 (1080 Votes)
Chuck actually died four years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.
Rated 4.16/5 (2526 Votes)
Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
Rated 4.15/5 (2259 Votes)
Chuck Norris went around the world...by standing still.
Chuck Norris bleeds acid.
When Chuck Norris was born he drove his mom home from the hospital.
Chuck Norris can ride his handlebars with no bike.
Chuck Norris can make a slinky go upstairs.
Rated 4.14/5 (1751 Votes)
Big foot claims he saw Chuck Norris.
The only time Chuck Norris was wrong was when he thought he had made a mistake.
Rated 4.13/5 (2279 Votes)
Chuck Norris puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter".
Rated 4.14/5 (2840 Votes)
Chuck can divide by zero.
Chuck Norris can unscramble an egg.
Rated 4.15/5 (2280 Votes)
Chuck Norris uses hot sauce as eye drops.