Top 100 Chuck Norris Jokes - Facts
Here are the top 100 Chuck Norris Jokes (Facts).
Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone.
Rated 4.34/5 (957 Votes)
Chuck Norris can kill your imaginary friends.
Rated 4.34/5 (130 Votes)
Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris' leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.
Rated 4.32/5 (793 Votes)
Chuck Norris can hear sign language.
Rated 4.31/5 (595 Votes)
When Chuck was in middle school, his English teacher assigned an essay: "What is courage?" Chuck received an A+ for turning in a blank page with only his name at the top.
Rated 4.3/5 (842 Votes)
The real reason Hitler killed himself is because he found out that Chuck Norris is Jewish.
Rated 4.3/5 (751 Votes)
Chuck Norris doesn't play "hide-and-seek." He plays "hide-and-pray-I-don't-find-you."
Rated 4.29/5 (528 Votes)
Chuck can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.
Rated 4.29/5 (343 Votes)
Some kids piss their name in the snow. Chuck Norris can piss his name into concrete.
Rated 4.28/5 (709 Votes)
Chuck Norris can drown a fish.
Rated 4.28/5 (692 Votes)
Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.
Rated 4.28/5 (593 Votes)
Chuck Norris's daughter lost her virginity, he got it back.
Rated 4.28/5 (367 Votes)
If you swallow a quarter and Chuck Norris round house kicks you in the stomach you will crap out two dimes and a nickel.
Rated 4.28/5 (25 Votes)
Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.
Rated 4.27/5 (725 Votes)
Death once had a near-Chuck-Norris experience.
Rated 4.27/5 (717 Votes)
Chuck Norris is the reason Waldo is hiding.
Rated 4.27/5 (697 Votes)
Chuck Norris beat Halo 1, 2, and 3 on Legendary with a broken Guitar Hero controller.
Rated 4.27/5 (196 Votes)
Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle.
Rated 4.26/5 (574 Votes)
Chuck Norris knows Victoria's secret.
Rated 4.25/5 (564 Votes)
Chuck Norris is the only person that can punch a cyclops between the eye.
Rated 4.25/5 (437 Votes)
If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but Chuck Norris says its beef, then it's beef.
Rated 4.25/5 (418 Votes)
Chuck Norris can read your lips while standing behind you.
Rated 4.25/5 (72 Votes)
Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Chuck Norris can kill 100 percent of whatever the hell he wants.
Rated 4.24/5 (601 Votes)
Giraffes were created when Chuck Norris uppercutted a horse.
Rated 4.24/5 (534 Votes)
Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun.
Rated 4.24/5 (525 Votes)
Chuck Norris doesn't teabag , he potatoe sacks.
Rated 4.24/5 (483 Votes)
Chuck Norris is the only person on the planet that can kick you in the back of the face.
Rated 4.24/5 (437 Votes)
If you spell Chuck Norris wrong on Google it doesn't say, "Did you mean Chuck Norris?" It simply replies, "Run while you still have the chance."
Rated 4.24/5 (426 Votes)
Bill Gates lives in constant fear that Chuck Norris' PC will crash.
Rated 4.24/5 (417 Votes)
The saddest moment for a child is not when he learns Santa Claus isn't real, it's when he learns Chuck Norris is.
Rated 4.24/5 (407 Votes)
Chuck Norris' dog is trained to pick up his own poop because Chuck Norris will not take shit from anyone.
Rated 4.24/5 (385 Votes)
Brett Favre can throw a football over 50 yards. Chuck Norris can throw Brett Favre even further.
Rated 4.24/5 (365 Votes)
Chuck Norris counted to infinity. Twice.
Rated 4.24/5 (362 Votes)
Chuck Norris once went to mars. Thats why there is no signs of life.
Rated 4.24/5 (319 Votes)
The original title for Alien vs. Predator was Alien and Predator vs Chuck Norris. The film was cancelled shortly after going into preproduction. No one would pay nine dollars to see a movie fourteen seconds long.
Rated 4.24/5 (176 Votes)
Chuck Norris can run a 3-legged race by himself.
Rated 4.24/5 (157 Votes)
When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood he declines the syringe and requests a handgun and a bucket.
Rated 4.24/5 (71 Votes)
Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.
Rated 4.23/5 (625 Votes)
Chuck Norris can build a snowman out of rain.
Rated 4.23/5 (536 Votes)
Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris pajamas.
Rated 4.23/5 (476 Votes)
Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
Rated 4.23/5 (473 Votes)
Chuck Norris was once charged with three attempted murders in Boulder County, but the Judge quickly dropped the charges because Chuck Norris does not "attempt" murder.
Rated 4.23/5 (462 Votes)
Chuck Norris puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter".
Rated 4.23/5 (457 Votes)
It is considered a great accomplishment to go down Niagara Falls in a wooden barrel. Chuck Norris can go up Niagara Falls in a cardboard box.
Rated 4.23/5 (436 Votes)
Chuck Norris used to beat the shit out of his shadow because it was following to close. It now stands a safe 30 feet behind him.
Rated 4.23/5 (417 Votes)
Chuck Norris beat the sun in a staring contest.
Rated 4.23/5 (384 Votes)
Chuck Norris stole the cookie from the cookie jar...and if you value your life, you'll let him eat in peace.
Rated 4.23/5 (182 Votes)
In the early 70's Chuck Norris and Arnold Schwarzenegger got into a fight. With just one round house kick to the face, Arnold hasn't talked the same ever since
Rated 4.23/5 (74 Votes)
Jesus can walk on water, but Chuck Norris can swim through dry land.
Rated 4.22/5 (626 Votes)
Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because he only recognizes the element of surprise.
Rated 4.22/5 (408 Votes)
Chuck Norris once bowled a perfect game with a marble.
Rated 4.22/5 (175 Votes)
A bulletproof vest wears Chuck Norris for protection.
Rated 4.22/5 (167 Votes)
If he wanted to, Chuck Norris could rob a bank. By phone.
Rated 4.22/5 (139 Votes)
Chuck Norris CAN believe it's not butter.
Rated 4.21/5 (478 Votes)
Chuck actually died four years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.
Rated 4.21/5 (472 Votes)
When Chuck Norris enters a room, he doesn't turn the lights on, he turns the dark off.
Rated 4.21/5 (414 Votes)
The reason newborn babies cry is because they know they have just entered a world with Chuck Norris.
Rated 4.21/5 (341 Votes)
Chuck Norris makes onions cry.
Rated 4.21/5 (320 Votes)
Chuck Norris can unscramble an egg.
Rated 4.21/5 (247 Votes)
Chuck Norris can speak braille.
Rated 4.2/5 (459 Votes)
When Chuck Norris gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live.
Rated 4.2/5 (426 Votes)
When the Tooth fairy comes to your house she takes your tooth and gives you money. When Chuck Norris comes to your house he breaks your tooth and takes your money.
Rated 4.2/5 (311 Votes)
Champions eat wheaties for breakfast. Chuck Norris eats champions for breakfast.
Rated 4.2/5 (102 Votes)
Tough men eat nails. Chuck Norris does all his grocery shopping at Home Depot.
Rated 4.2/5 (81 Votes)
Chuck Norris once smoked a cigarette, and the cigarette died of Chuck Cancer.
Rated 4.2/5 (55 Votes)
M.C. Hammer learned the hard way that Chuck Norris can touch this.
Rated 4.19/5 (420 Votes)
There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.
Rated 4.19/5 (391 Votes)
Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting implies the possibility of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
Rated 4.19/5 (365 Votes)
Chuck Norris CAN find the end of a circle.
Rated 4.19/5 (321 Votes)
The telephone was invented was so that people would have a quicker way to warn each other when Chuck is coming.
Rated 4.19/5 (36 Votes)
Police label anyone attacking Chuck Norris as a Code 45-11.... a suicide.
Rated 4.18/5 (433 Votes)
Chuck Norris doesn't cheat death. He wins fair and square.
Rated 4.18/5 (409 Votes)
Chuck Norris' calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd. No one fools Chuck Norris.
Rated 4.18/5 (304 Votes)
The only time Chuck Norris was wrong was when he thought he had made a mistake.
Rated 4.17/5 (476 Votes)
When Chuck Norris looks in a mirror the mirror shatters, because not even glass is stupid enough to get in between Chuck Norris and Chuck Norris.
Rated 4.17/5 (406 Votes)
Chuck Norris can squeeze orange juice out of a lemon
Rated 4.17/5 (301 Votes)
Chuck Norris can text message with tin can telephones.
Rated 4.17/5 (48 Votes)
Chuck Norris can delete the Recycling Bin.
Rated 4.16/5 (448 Votes)
Chuck Norris's Blood Type is AK-47.
Rated 4.15/5 (437 Votes)
What was going through the minds of all of Chuck Norris' victims before they died? His shoe.
Rated 4.15/5 (372 Votes)
Chuck Norris once had a heart attack; his heart lost.
Rated 4.14/5 (423 Votes)
A Handicapped parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
Rated 4.14/5 (370 Votes)
Chuck Norris doesn't wear a condom because theres no such thing as protection from Chuck Norris.
Rated 4.14/5 (163 Votes)
Chuck Norris can hit you so hard your blood will bleed.
Rated 4.14/5 (131 Votes)
Chuck Norris tells Simon what to do.
Rated 4.13/5 (378 Votes)
The reason the Holy Grail has never been recovered is because nobody is
brave enough to ask Chuck Norris to give up his favourite coffee mug.
Rated 4.13/5 (374 Votes)
The Guinness Book of World Records was originally titled "Chuck Norris facts".
Rated 4.13/5 (38 Votes)
Chuck Norris can tie his shoes with his feet.
Rated 4.12/5 (266 Votes)
Chuck Norris's computer has no "backspace" button, Chuck Norris doesn't make mistakes.
Rated 4.12/5 (209 Votes)
The opening scene of the movie "Saving Private Ryan" is loosely based on games of dodgeball Chuck Norris played in second grade.
Rated 4.12/5 (132 Votes)
Chuck Norris was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.
Rated 4.1/5 (403 Votes)
On a high school math test, Chuck Norris put down "Violence" as every one of the answers. He got an A+ on the test because Chuck Norris solves all his problems with Violence.
Rated 4.1/5 (376 Votes)
Chuck Norris has the greatest Poker-Face of all time. He won the 1983 World Series of Poker, despite holding only a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoloy card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO.
Rated 4.08/5 (374 Votes)
Chuck Norris can lock you inside a motorcycle.
Rated 4.08/5 (253 Votes)
Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris
Rated 4.07/5 (323 Votes)
Chuck Norris once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a spacesuit. On July 19th, 1999, a naked Chuck Norris re-entered the earth's atmosphere, streaking over 14 states and reaching a temperature of 3000 degrees. An embarrassed NASA publically claimed it was a meteor, and still owes him a beer.
Rated 4.07/5 (133 Votes)
Jesus asks himself, "What Would Chuck Norris Do?"
Rated 4.06/5 (381 Votes)
Ever wondered what happened to the Mayans? Two words: Chuck Norris.
Rated 4.06/5 (18 Votes)
Chuck refers to himself in the fourth person.
Rated 4.05/5 (322 Votes)
Did you guys hear that Chuck Norris got hit by a train???? He was the only survivor.
Rated 4.04/5 (305 Votes)
