Top 100 Chuck Norris Jokes - Facts
Here are the top 100 Chuck Norris Jokes (Facts).
God created butt cracks on people so that Chuck Norris has a place to plant his foot.
Cats have Chuck-like reflexes.
Chuck Norris can suck in a black hole.
In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone else has ever gotten.
If Chuck Norris saves you're life,its only because he wants to kill you later.
Chuck Norris threw a grenade and killed 50 people, then it exploded.
Rated 4.28/5 (3971 Votes)
A friend admired Chuck's wife's diamond earrings. Chuck said,"Thanks, I squeezed them mysef.".
The shortest distance between two points is a straight line. Unless Chuck Norris is standing on the line. Then the shortest distance between two points is to run for your life.
Shooting stars are simply vapor trails left by a Chuck Norris roundhouse.
Chuck Norris can speak French... In Russian.
Chuck Norris once climbed Mt. Everest in 15 minutes, 14 of which he was building a snowman at the bottom.
Rated 4.19/5 (2235 Votes)
A bulletproof vest wears Chuck Norris for protection.
Rated 4.19/5 (2736 Votes)
Chuck Norris can kill your imaginary friends.
Rated 4.19/5 (3067 Votes)
Chuck Norris doesn't dial the wrong number, you pick up the wrong phone.
Rated 4.18/5 (1654 Votes)
Fear of spiders is called arachnophobia, fear of tight spaces is called claustrophobia, and fear of Chuck Norris is just plain logic.
Rated 4.17/5 (1783 Votes)
Chuck Norris can cut a knife with butter.
Rated 4.17/5 (1731 Votes)
Chuck Norris has a diary. It's called the Guinness Book of World Records.
Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday the thirteenth. The next day he won the lottery.
Chuck Norris abducts Aliens.
Chuck Norris doesnt wear a watch. He decides what time it is.
Rated 4.17/5 (1972 Votes)
Chuck can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.
Rated 4.18/5 (2480 Votes)
The real reason Hitler killed himself is because he found out that Chuck Norris is Jewish.
Rated 4.17/5 (4000 Votes)
Chuck Norris beat the sun in a staring contest.
Rated 4.18/5 (3154 Votes)
When Chuck Norris enters a room, he doesn't turn the lights on, he turns the dark off.
Rated 4.18/5 (2637 Votes)
Chuck Norris was once charged with three attempted murders in Boulder County, but the Judge quickly dropped the charges because Chuck Norris does not "attempt" murder.
Rated 4.18/5 (3102 Votes)
Death once had a near-Chuck-Norris experience.
Rated 4.18/5 (3515 Votes)
Chuck Norris was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.
Rated 4.18/5 (2862 Votes)
When Chuck Norris gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live.
Rated 4.18/5 (2832 Votes)
If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but Chuck Norris says its beef, then it's beef.
Rated 4.18/5 (2588 Votes)
Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris' leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.
Rated 4.18/5 (4001 Votes)
Chuck Norris doesn't cheat death. He wins fair and square.
Rated 4.17/5 (2101 Votes)
When Chuck Norris was in middle school, his English teacher assigned an essay: "What is courage?" He received an A+ for turning in a blank page with only his name at the top.
Rated 4.18/5 (5136 Votes)
Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
Rated 4.18/5 (1315 Votes)
Every Chuck Norris joke is a five star joke just because it says Chuck Norris.
Rated 4.17/5 (1935 Votes)
Chuck Norris can put out a fire with a gallon of gasoline.
If he wanted to, Chuck Norris could rob a bank. By phone.
Rated 4.17/5 (1926 Votes)
Chuck Norris can hear sign language.
Rated 4.17/5 (3657 Votes)
Chuck Norris once went to mars. Thats why there are no signs of life.
Rated 4.17/5 (2658 Votes)
Chuck Norris makes onions cry.
Rated 4.17/5 (2657 Votes)
Chuck Norris knows Victoria's secret.
Rated 4.17/5 (3582 Votes)
Chuck Norris can hit you so hard your blood will bleed.
Rated 4.17/5 (2183 Votes)
The reason the Holy Grail has never been recovered is because nobody is
brave enough to ask Chuck Norris to give up his favourite coffee mug.
Rated 4.17/5 (2412 Votes)
When Bruce Banner gets mad he turns into the Hulk. When the Hulk gets mad
he turns into Chuck Norris. When Chuck Norris gets mad, run.
Rated 4.17/5 (2588 Votes)
Chuck Norris's Blood Type is AK-47.
Rated 4.16/5 (2737 Votes)
Chuck Norris CAN find the end of a circle.
Rated 4.17/5 (2149 Votes)
Chuck Norris is the only person that can punch a cyclops between the eye.
Rated 4.17/5 (2691 Votes)
It is considered a great accomplishment to go down Niagara Falls in a wooden barrel. Chuck Norris can go up Niagara Falls in a cardboard box.
Rated 4.17/5 (2487 Votes)
M.C. Hammer learned the hard way that Chuck Norris can touch this.
Rated 4.16/5 (2386 Votes)
Chuck Norris plays russian roulette with a fully loded revolver... and wins.
Rated 4.16/5 (1756 Votes)
When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
Rated 4.17/5 (1978 Votes)
Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Chuck Norris can kill 100 percent of whatever the hell he wants.
Rated 4.17/5 (3415 Votes)
There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.
Rated 4.17/5 (2536 Votes)
Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.
Rated 4.18/5 (3423 Votes)
Chuck Norris' calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd. No one fools Chuck Norris.
Rated 4.17/5 (3131 Votes)
When a zombie apocalypse starts, Chuck Norris doesn't try to survive. The zombies do.
Rated 4.16/5 (1915 Votes)
Chuck Norris will never have a heart attack...
even a heart isnt foolish enough to attack Chuck Norris.
Rated 4.17/5 (1575 Votes)
Chuck Norris beat Halo 1, 2, and 3 on Legendary with a broken Guitar Hero controller.
Rated 4.16/5 (2339 Votes)
The original title for Alien vs. Predator was Alien and Predator vs Chuck Norris. The film was cancelled shortly after going into preproduction. No one would pay nine dollars to see a movie fourteen seconds long.
Rated 4.16/5 (2101 Votes)
Chuck Norris's daughter lost her virginity, he got it back.
Rated 4.16/5 (2620 Votes)
Chuck Norris tells Simon what to do.
Rated 4.16/5 (2561 Votes)
Chuck Norris counted to infinity. Twice.
Rated 4.16/5 (2842 Votes)
Chuck Norris is the reason Waldo is hiding.
Rated 4.16/5 (3144 Votes)
The saddest moment for a child is not when he learns Santa Claus isn't real, it's when he learns Chuck Norris is.
Rated 4.16/5 (2454 Votes)
Chuck Norris doesn't play "hide-and-seek." He plays "hide-and-pray-I-don't-find-you."
Rated 4.16/5 (3560 Votes)
Brett Favre can throw a football over 50 yards. Chuck Norris can throw Brett Favre even further.
Rated 4.16/5 (2991 Votes)
Chuck Norris can drown a fish.
Rated 4.16/5 (3175 Votes)
The reason newborn babies cry is because they know they have just entered a world with Chuck Norris.
Rated 4.16/5 (2165 Votes)
Chuck Norris can build a snowman out of rain.
Rated 4.16/5 (2992 Votes)
Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone.
Rated 4.16/5 (4639 Votes)
Bill Gates lives in constant fear that Chuck Norris' PC will crash.
Rated 4.16/5 (2313 Votes)
Chuck Norris' dog is trained to pick up his own poop because Chuck Norris will not take shit from anyone.
Rated 4.16/5 (2415 Votes)
Giraffes were created when Chuck Norris uppercutted a horse.
Rated 4.15/5 (2772 Votes)
If you spell Chuck Norris wrong on Google it doesn't say, "Did you mean Chuck Norris?" It simply replies, "Run while you still have the chance."
Rated 4.16/5 (2717 Votes)
On a high school math test, Chuck Norris put down "Violence" as every one of the answers. He got an A+ on the test because Chuck Norris solves all his problems with Violence.
Rated 4.16/5 (2211 Votes)
Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle.
Rated 4.16/5 (2895 Votes)
Police label anyone attacking Chuck Norris as a Code 45-11.... a suicide.
Rated 4.16/5 (2207 Votes)
Some kids piss their name in the snow. Chuck Norris can piss his name into concrete.
Rated 4.15/5 (3450 Votes)
Chuck Norris doesn't have good aim. His bullets just know better than to miss.
Rated 4.15/5 (1632 Votes)
Chuck Norris can pick oranges from an apple tree and make the best lemonade youve ever tasted.
Rated 4.15/5 (2271 Votes)
SEAL Team Six plays "Hide and Go Seak" with Chuck Norris just to keep their skills sharp.
Chuck Norris once bowled a perfect game with a marble.
Rated 4.15/5 (2159 Votes)
Chuck Norris's computer has no "backspace" button, Chuck Norris doesn't make mistakes.
Rated 4.15/5 (2091 Votes)
Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun.
Rated 4.15/5 (2303 Votes)
Jack was nimble, Jack was quick, but Jack still couldn't dodge Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick.
Rated 4.15/5 (1554 Votes)
Chuck Norris is the only person on the planet that can kick you in the back of the face.
Rated 4.15/5 (2247 Votes)
Chuck Norris can speak braille.
Rated 4.15/5 (2247 Votes)
Chuck refers to himself in the fourth person.
Rated 4.15/5 (1052 Votes)
Chuck actually died four years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.
Rated 4.15/5 (2496 Votes)
Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
Rated 4.15/5 (2233 Votes)
Chuck Norris went around the world...by standing still.
Chuck Norris bleeds acid.
When Chuck Norris was born he drove his mom home from the hospital.
Chuck Norris can ride his handlebars with no bike.
Chuck Norris can make a slinky go upstairs.
Rated 4.14/5 (1722 Votes)
Big foot claims he saw Chuck Norris.
The only time Chuck Norris was wrong was when he thought he had made a mistake.
Rated 4.13/5 (2244 Votes)
Chuck Norris puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter".
Rated 4.14/5 (2800 Votes)
Chuck can divide by zero.
Chuck Norris can unscramble an egg.
Rated 4.14/5 (2239 Votes)
Chuck Norris uses hot sauce as eye drops.