Chuck Norris can kill your imaginary friends.

• 1
• 2
• 3
• 4
• 5

Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone.

• 1
• 2
• 3
• 4
• 5

Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris' leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.

• 1
• 2
• 3
• 4
• 5

When Chuck was in middle school, his English teacher assigned an essay: "What is courage?" Chuck received an A+ for turning in a blank page with only his name at the top.

• 1
• 2
• 3
• 4
• 5

Chuck Norris can hear sign language.

• 1
• 2
• 3
• 4
• 5

The real reason Hitler killed himself is because he found out that Chuck Norris is Jewish.

• 1
• 2
• 3
• 4
• 5

Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.

• 1
• 2
• 3
• 4
• 5

Death once had a near-Chuck-Norris experience.

• 1
• 2
• 3
• 4
• 5

Chuck Norris can drown a fish.

• 1
• 2
• 3
• 4
• 5

Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.

• 1
• 2
• 3
• 4
• 5

Chuck Norris doesn't play "hide-and-seek." He plays "hide-and-pray-I-don't-find-you."

• 1
• 2
• 3
• 4
• 5

Chuck can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

• 1
• 2
• 3
• 4
• 5

Chuck Norris's daughter lost her virginity, he got it back.

• 1
• 2
• 3
• 4
• 5

Some kids piss their name in the snow. Chuck Norris can piss his name into concrete.

• 1
• 2
• 3
• 4
• 5

Chuck Norris is the reason Waldo is hiding.

• 1
• 2
• 3
• 4
• 5

Chuck Norris was once charged with three attempted murders in Boulder County, but the Judge quickly dropped the charges because Chuck Norris does not "attempt" murder.

• 1
• 2
• 3
• 4
• 5

Chuck Norris is the only person that can punch a cyclops between the eye.

• 1
• 2
• 3
• 4
• 5

If you spell Chuck Norris wrong on Google it doesn't say, "Did you mean Chuck Norris?" It simply replies, "Run while you still have the chance."

• 1
• 2
• 3
• 4
• 5

Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Chuck Norris can kill 100 percent of whatever the hell he wants.

• 1
• 2
• 3
• 4
• 5

Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle.

• 1
• 2
• 3
• 4
• 5

Chuck Norris knows Victoria's secret.

• 1
• 2
• 3
• 4
• 5

Giraffes were created when Chuck Norris uppercutted a horse.

• 1
• 2
• 3
• 4
• 5

Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

• 1
• 2
• 3
• 4
• 5

Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun.

• 1
• 2
• 3
• 4
• 5

Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

• 1
• 2
• 3
• 4
• 5

The saddest moment for a child is not when he learns Santa Claus isn't real, it's when he learns Chuck Norris is.

• 1
• 2
• 3
• 4
• 5

If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but Chuck Norris says its beef, then it's beef.

• 1
• 2
• 3
• 4
• 5

Chuck Norris' dog is trained to pick up his own poop because Chuck Norris will not take shit from anyone.

• 1
• 2
• 3
• 4
• 5

Chuck Norris counted to infinity. Twice.

• 1
• 2
• 3
• 4
• 5

Chuck Norris can text message with tin can telephones.

• 1
• 2
• 3
• 4
• 5

Chuck Norris can build a snowman out of rain.

• 1
• 2
• 3
• 4
• 5

Chuck Norris doesn't teabag , he potatoe sacks.

• 1
• 2
• 3
• 4
• 5

Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris pajamas.

• 1
• 2
• 3
• 4
• 5

Chuck Norris puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter".

• 1
• 2
• 3
• 4
• 5

Chuck Norris is the only person on the planet that can kick you in the back of the face.

• 1
• 2
• 3
• 4
• 5

Chuck Norris used to beat the shit out of his shadow because it was following to close. It now stands a safe 30 feet behind him.

• 1
• 2
• 3
• 4
• 5

Bill Gates lives in constant fear that Chuck Norris' PC will crash.

• 1
• 2
• 3
• 4
• 5

Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because he only recognizes the element of surprise.

• 1
• 2
• 3
• 4
• 5

Chuck Norris beat the sun in a staring contest.

• 1
• 2
• 3
• 4
• 5

Brett Favre can throw a football over 50 yards. Chuck Norris can throw Brett Favre even further.

• 1
• 2
• 3
• 4
• 5

Chuck Norris can run a 3-legged race by himself.

• 1
• 2
• 3
• 4
• 5

If he wanted to, Chuck Norris could rob a bank. By phone.

• 1
• 2
• 3
• 4
• 5

Chuck Norris CAN believe it's not butter.

• 1
• 2
• 3
• 4
• 5

It is considered a great accomplishment to go down Niagara Falls in a wooden barrel. Chuck Norris can go up Niagara Falls in a cardboard box.

• 1
• 2
• 3
• 4
• 5

When Chuck Norris enters a room, he doesn't turn the lights on, he turns the dark off.

• 1
• 2
• 3
• 4
• 5

The reason newborn babies cry is because they know they have just entered a world with Chuck Norris.

• 1
• 2
• 3
• 4
• 5

Chuck Norris once went to mars. Thats why there is no signs of life.

• 1
• 2
• 3
• 4
• 5

When the Tooth fairy comes to your house she takes your tooth and gives you money. When Chuck Norris comes to your house he breaks your tooth and takes your money.

• 1
• 2
• 3
• 4
• 5

Chuck Norris can unscramble an egg.

• 1
• 2
• 3
• 4
• 5

Chuck Norris beat Halo 1, 2, and 3 on Legendary with a broken Guitar Hero controller.

• 1
• 2
• 3
• 4
• 5

The original title for Alien vs. Predator was Alien and Predator vs Chuck Norris. The film was cancelled shortly after going into preproduction. No one would pay nine dollars to see a movie fourteen seconds long.

• 1
• 2
• 3
• 4
• 5

When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood he declines the syringe and requests a handgun and a bucket.

• 1
• 2
• 3
• 4
• 5

Chuck Norris can read your lips while standing behind you.

• 1
• 2
• 3
• 4
• 5

Jesus can walk on water, but Chuck Norris can swim through dry land.

• 1
• 2
• 3
• 4
• 5

Chuck Norris stole the cookie from the cookie jar...and if you value your life, you'll let him eat in peace.

• 1
• 2
• 3
• 4
• 5

If you give a man a fish, he will eat for a day. If you give Chuck Norris a fish, He will kill you with it because Chuck has no need for food, he is sustained from the blood of his enemies.

• 1
• 2
• 3
• 4
• 5

The Guinness Book of World Records was originally titled "Chuck Norris facts".

• 1
• 2
• 3
• 4
• 5

Chuck actually died four years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.

• 1
• 2
• 3
• 4
• 5

Chuck Norris once smoked a cigarette, and the cigarette died of Chuck Cancer.

• 1
• 2
• 3
• 4
• 5

Chuck Norris makes onions cry.

• 1
• 2
• 3
• 4
• 5

Chuck Norris once bowled a perfect game with a marble.

• 1
• 2
• 3
• 4
• 5

Champions eat wheaties for breakfast. Chuck Norris eats champions for breakfast.

• 1
• 2
• 3
• 4
• 5

In the early 70's Chuck Norris and Arnold Schwarzenegger got into a fight. With just one round house kick to the face, Arnold hasn't talked the same ever since

• 1
• 2
• 3
• 4
• 5

The only time Chuck Norris was wrong was when he thought he had made a mistake.

• 1
• 2
• 3
• 4
• 5

Chuck Norris can speak braille.

• 1
• 2
• 3
• 4
• 5

When Chuck Norris gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live.

• 1
• 2
• 3
• 4
• 5

M.C. Hammer learned the hard way that Chuck Norris can touch this.

• 1
• 2
• 3
• 4
• 5

Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting implies the possibility of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.

• 1
• 2
• 3
• 4
• 5

Chuck Norris doesn't cheat death. He wins fair and square.

• 1
• 2
• 3
• 4
• 5

There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.

• 1
• 2
• 3
• 4
• 5

Chuck Norris CAN find the end of a circle.

• 1
• 2
• 3
• 4
• 5

Chuck Norris' calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd. No one fools Chuck Norris.

• 1
• 2
• 3
• 4
• 5

Chuck Norris can squeeze orange juice out of a lemon

• 1
• 2
• 3
• 4
• 5

Chuck Norris can delete the Recycling Bin.

• 1
• 2
• 3
• 4
• 5

Police label anyone attacking Chuck Norris as a Code 45-11.... a suicide.

• 1
• 2
• 3
• 4
• 5

A bulletproof vest wears Chuck Norris for protection.

• 1
• 2
• 3
• 4
• 5

Chuck Norris can hit you so hard your blood will bleed.

• 1
• 2
• 3
• 4
• 5

Chuck Norris once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a spacesuit. On July 19th, 1999, a naked Chuck Norris re-entered the earth's atmosphere, streaking over 14 states and reaching a temperature of 3000 degrees. An embarrassed NASA publically claimed it was a meteor, and still owes him a beer.

• 1
• 2
• 3
• 4
• 5

Chuck Norris's Blood Type is AK-47.

• 1
• 2
• 3
• 4
• 5

When Chuck Norris looks in a mirror the mirror shatters, because not even glass is stupid enough to get in between Chuck Norris and Chuck Norris.

• 1
• 2
• 3
• 4
• 5

What was going through the minds of all of Chuck Norris' victims before they died? His shoe.

• 1
• 2
• 3
• 4
• 5

The opening scene of the movie "Saving Private Ryan" is loosely based on games of dodgeball Chuck Norris played in second grade.

• 1
• 2
• 3
• 4
• 5

Tough men eat nails. Chuck Norris does all his grocery shopping at Home Depot.

• 1
• 2
• 3
• 4
• 5

Check Norris took a trip to visit our troops in Iraq, finally proving that there is at least one WMD there.

• 1
• 2
• 3
• 4
• 5

Chuck Norris can tie his shoes with his feet.

• 1
• 2
• 3
• 4
• 5

Chuck Norris runs with scissors.

• 1
• 2
• 3
• 4
• 5

Chuck Norris not only invented the Bermuda Triangle, he enforces it.

• 1
• 2
• 3
• 4
• 5

Chuck Norris once had a heart attack; his heart lost.

• 1
• 2
• 3
• 4
• 5

Chuck Norris tells Simon what to do.

• 1
• 2
• 3
• 4
• 5

The reason the Holy Grail has never been recovered is because nobody is brave enough to ask Chuck Norris to give up his favourite coffee mug.

• 1
• 2
• 3
• 4
• 5

A Handicapped parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

• 1
• 2
• 3
• 4
• 5

Chuck Norris was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.

• 1
• 2
• 3
• 4
• 5

Chuck Norris's computer has no "backspace" button, Chuck Norris doesn't make mistakes.

• 1
• 2
• 3
• 4
• 5

On a high school math test, Chuck Norris put down "Violence" as every one of the answers. He got an A+ on the test because Chuck Norris solves all his problems with Violence.

• 1
• 2
• 3
• 4
• 5

Chuck Norris doesn't wear a condom because theres no such thing as protection from Chuck Norris.

• 1
• 2
• 3
• 4
• 5

Chuck Norris has the greatest Poker-Face of all time. He won the 1983 World Series of Poker, despite holding only a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoloy card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO.

• 1
• 2
• 3
• 4
• 5

Chuck refers to himself in the fourth person.

• 1
• 2
• 3
• 4
• 5

Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris

• 1
• 2
• 3
• 4
• 5

Did you guys hear that Chuck Norris got hit by a train???? He was the only survivor.

• 1
• 2
• 3
• 4
• 5

When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.

• 1
• 2
• 3
• 4
• 5