Top 100 Chuck Norris Jokes - Facts
Here are the top 100 Chuck Norris Jokes (Facts).
Chuck Norris can drive a car on cinder blocks.
Rated 5/5 (1 Vote)
Chuck Norris can kill your imaginary friends.
Rated 4.36/5 (148 Votes)
Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone.
Rated 4.34/5 (969 Votes)
Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris' leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.
Rated 4.33/5 (803 Votes)
Chuck Norris can hear sign language.
Rated 4.31/5 (606 Votes)
If you swallow a quarter and Chuck Norris round house kicks you in the stomach you will crap out two dimes and a nickel.
Rated 4.31/5 (35 Votes)
When Chuck was in middle school, his English teacher assigned an essay: "What is courage?" Chuck received an A+ for turning in a blank page with only his name at the top.
Rated 4.3/5 (848 Votes)
The real reason Hitler killed himself is because he found out that Chuck Norris is Jewish.
Rated 4.29/5 (759 Votes)
Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.
Rated 4.29/5 (598 Votes)
Some kids piss their name in the snow. Chuck Norris can piss his name into concrete.
Rated 4.28/5 (714 Votes)
Chuck Norris can drown a fish.
Rated 4.28/5 (695 Votes)
Chuck Norris doesn't play "hide-and-seek." He plays "hide-and-pray-I-don't-find-you."
Rated 4.28/5 (533 Votes)
Chuck can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.
Rated 4.28/5 (348 Votes)
Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.
Rated 4.27/5 (731 Votes)
Death once had a near-Chuck-Norris experience.
Rated 4.27/5 (725 Votes)
Chuck Norris is the reason Waldo is hiding.
Rated 4.27/5 (702 Votes)
Chuck Norris's daughter lost her virginity, he got it back.
Rated 4.27/5 (373 Votes)
Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle.
Rated 4.26/5 (578 Votes)
Chuck Norris knows Victoria's secret.
Rated 4.25/5 (570 Votes)
Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun.
Rated 4.25/5 (528 Votes)
Chuck Norris is the only person that can punch a cyclops between the eye.
Rated 4.25/5 (441 Votes)
The saddest moment for a child is not when he learns Santa Claus isn't real, it's when he learns Chuck Norris is.
Rated 4.25/5 (412 Votes)
Chuck Norris counted to infinity. Twice.
Rated 4.25/5 (368 Votes)
Chuck Norris beat Halo 1, 2, and 3 on Legendary with a broken Guitar Hero controller.
Rated 4.25/5 (199 Votes)
Chuck Norris can run a 3-legged race by himself.
Rated 4.25/5 (159 Votes)
Chuck Norris can read your lips while standing behind you.
Rated 4.25/5 (75 Votes)
Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Chuck Norris can kill 100 percent of whatever the hell he wants.
Rated 4.24/5 (606 Votes)
Giraffes were created when Chuck Norris uppercutted a horse.
Rated 4.24/5 (537 Votes)
Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris pajamas.
Rated 4.24/5 (483 Votes)
Chuck Norris was once charged with three attempted murders in Boulder County, but the Judge quickly dropped the charges because Chuck Norris does not "attempt" murder.
Rated 4.24/5 (467 Votes)
Bill Gates lives in constant fear that Chuck Norris' PC will crash.
Rated 4.24/5 (419 Votes)
Chuck Norris' dog is trained to pick up his own poop because Chuck Norris will not take shit from anyone.
Rated 4.24/5 (386 Votes)
Brett Favre can throw a football over 50 yards. Chuck Norris can throw Brett Favre even further.
Rated 4.24/5 (367 Votes)
Chuck Norris once went to mars. Thats why there is no signs of life.
Rated 4.24/5 (323 Votes)
The original title for Alien vs. Predator was Alien and Predator vs Chuck Norris. The film was cancelled shortly after going into preproduction. No one would pay nine dollars to see a movie fourteen seconds long.
Rated 4.24/5 (180 Votes)
A bulletproof vest wears Chuck Norris for protection.
Rated 4.24/5 (170 Votes)
Chuck Norris once smoked a cigarette, and the cigarette died of Chuck Cancer.
Rated 4.24/5 (58 Votes)
Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.
Rated 4.23/5 (628 Votes)
Chuck Norris can build a snowman out of rain.
Rated 4.23/5 (540 Votes)
Chuck Norris doesn't teabag , he potatoe sacks.
Rated 4.23/5 (491 Votes)
Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
Rated 4.23/5 (476 Votes)
Chuck Norris puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter".
Rated 4.23/5 (460 Votes)
Chuck Norris is the only person on the planet that can kick you in the back of the face.
Rated 4.23/5 (440 Votes)
It is considered a great accomplishment to go down Niagara Falls in a wooden barrel. Chuck Norris can go up Niagara Falls in a cardboard box.
Rated 4.23/5 (439 Votes)
If you spell Chuck Norris wrong on Google it doesn't say, "Did you mean Chuck Norris?" It simply replies, "Run while you still have the chance."
Rated 4.23/5 (428 Votes)
If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but Chuck Norris says its beef, then it's beef.
Rated 4.23/5 (422 Votes)
Chuck Norris used to beat the shit out of his shadow because it was following to close. It now stands a safe 30 feet behind him.
Rated 4.23/5 (418 Votes)
Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because he only recognizes the element of surprise.
Rated 4.23/5 (414 Votes)
Chuck Norris beat the sun in a staring contest.
Rated 4.23/5 (386 Votes)
Chuck Norris once bowled a perfect game with a marble.
Rated 4.23/5 (178 Votes)
Jesus can walk on water, but Chuck Norris can swim through dry land.
Rated 4.22/5 (629 Votes)
Chuck Norris makes onions cry.
Rated 4.22/5 (325 Votes)
Chuck Norris can unscramble an egg.
Rated 4.22/5 (251 Votes)
Chuck Norris stole the cookie from the cookie jar...and if you value your life, you'll let him eat in peace.
Rated 4.22/5 (186 Votes)
When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood he declines the syringe and requests a handgun and a bucket.
Rated 4.22/5 (74 Votes)
Chuck Norris CAN believe it's not butter.
Rated 4.21/5 (483 Votes)
When Chuck Norris enters a room, he doesn't turn the lights on, he turns the dark off.
Rated 4.21/5 (418 Votes)
The reason newborn babies cry is because they know they have just entered a world with Chuck Norris.
Rated 4.21/5 (343 Votes)
In the early 70's Chuck Norris and Arnold Schwarzenegger got into a fight. With just one round house kick to the face, Arnold hasn't talked the same ever since
Rated 4.21/5 (77 Votes)
Chuck Norris can speak braille.
Rated 4.2/5 (461 Votes)
When Chuck Norris gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live.
Rated 4.2/5 (428 Votes)
If he wanted to, Chuck Norris could rob a bank. By phone.
Rated 4.2/5 (142 Votes)
Champions eat wheaties for breakfast. Chuck Norris eats champions for breakfast.
Rated 4.2/5 (108 Votes)
Chuck actually died four years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.
Rated 4.19/5 (477 Votes)
Police label anyone attacking Chuck Norris as a Code 45-11.... a suicide.
Rated 4.19/5 (436 Votes)
There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.
Rated 4.19/5 (394 Votes)
Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting implies the possibility of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
Rated 4.19/5 (367 Votes)
Chuck Norris CAN find the end of a circle.
Rated 4.19/5 (324 Votes)
When the Tooth fairy comes to your house she takes your tooth and gives you money. When Chuck Norris comes to your house he breaks your tooth and takes your money.
Rated 4.19/5 (313 Votes)
Chuck Norris' calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd. No one fools Chuck Norris.
Rated 4.19/5 (308 Votes)
The only time Chuck Norris was wrong was when he thought he had made a mistake.
Rated 4.18/5 (480 Votes)
M.C. Hammer learned the hard way that Chuck Norris can touch this.
Rated 4.18/5 (424 Votes)
Chuck Norris doesn't cheat death. He wins fair and square.
Rated 4.18/5 (410 Votes)
When Chuck Norris looks in a mirror the mirror shatters, because not even glass is stupid enough to get in between Chuck Norris and Chuck Norris.
Rated 4.18/5 (410 Votes)
Chuck Norris can squeeze orange juice out of a lemon
Rated 4.18/5 (302 Votes)
Chuck Norris can text message with tin can telephones.
Rated 4.18/5 (49 Votes)
The telephone was invented was so that people would have a quicker way to warn each other when Chuck is coming.
Rated 4.18/5 (39 Votes)
Chuck Norris can delete the Recycling Bin.
Rated 4.17/5 (454 Votes)
Tough men eat nails. Chuck Norris does all his grocery shopping at Home Depot.
Rated 4.17/5 (86 Votes)
What was going through the minds of all of Chuck Norris' victims before they died? His shoe.
Rated 4.16/5 (374 Votes)
Chuck Norris doesn't wear a condom because theres no such thing as protection from Chuck Norris.
Rated 4.16/5 (167 Votes)
The opening scene of the movie "Saving Private Ryan" is loosely based on games of dodgeball Chuck Norris played in second grade.
Rated 4.16/5 (138 Votes)
Chuck Norris's Blood Type is AK-47.
Rated 4.15/5 (440 Votes)
Chuck Norris can hit you so hard your blood will bleed.
Rated 4.15/5 (136 Votes)
Chuck Norris once had a heart attack; his heart lost.
Rated 4.14/5 (425 Votes)
A Handicapped parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
Rated 4.14/5 (373 Votes)
Ever wondered what happened to the Mayans? Two words: Chuck Norris.
Rated 4.14/5 (21 Votes)
Chuck Norris tells Simon what to do.
Rated 4.13/5 (381 Votes)
The reason the Holy Grail has never been recovered is because nobody is
brave enough to ask Chuck Norris to give up his favourite coffee mug.
Rated 4.13/5 (379 Votes)
Chuck Norris's computer has no "backspace" button, Chuck Norris doesn't make mistakes.
Rated 4.13/5 (210 Votes)
Chuck Norris can make a slinky go upstairs.
Rated 4.13/5 (8 Votes)
Chuck Norris can tie his shoes with his feet.
Rated 4.12/5 (267 Votes)
Chuck Norris was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.
Rated 4.11/5 (408 Votes)
On a high school math test, Chuck Norris put down "Violence" as every one of the answers. He got an A+ on the test because Chuck Norris solves all his problems with Violence.
Rated 4.1/5 (378 Votes)
Chuck Norris once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a spacesuit. On July 19th, 1999, a naked Chuck Norris re-entered the earth's atmosphere, streaking over 14 states and reaching a temperature of 3000 degrees. An embarrassed NASA publically claimed it was a meteor, and still owes him a beer.
Rated 4.09/5 (136 Votes)
Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris
Rated 4.08/5 (325 Votes)
Jesus asks himself, "What Would Chuck Norris Do?"
Rated 4.07/5 (385 Votes)
Chuck Norris has the greatest Poker-Face of all time. He won the 1983 World Series of Poker, despite holding only a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoloy card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO.
Rated 4.07/5 (376 Votes)
Chuck Norris can lock you inside a motorcycle.
Rated 4.06/5 (258 Votes)
Everyone who thinks a cow jumping over a moon is a fairy tale has never seen Chuck Norris roundhouse kick a cow.
Rated 4.06/5 (17 Votes)
