Top 100 Chuck Norris Jokes - Facts
Here are the top 100 Chuck Norris Jokes (Facts).
Chuck Norris threw a grenade and killed 50 people, then it exploded.
When Chuck Norris was in middle school, his English teacher assigned an essay: "What is courage?" He received an A+ for turning in a blank page with only his name at the top.
Rated 4.18/5 (3892 Votes)
Chuck Norris' calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd. No one fools Chuck Norris.
Rated 4.18/5 (2301 Votes)
Chuck Norris counted to infinity. Twice.
Rated 4.18/5 (1978 Votes)
Chuck Norris once bowled a perfect game with a marble.
Rated 4.18/5 (1558 Votes)
Chuck Norris once climbed Mt. Everest in 15 minutes, 14 of which he was building a snowman at the bottom.
Rated 4.18/5 (1392 Votes)
Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone.
Rated 4.17/5 (3746 Votes)
Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris' leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.
Rated 4.17/5 (3119 Votes)
The real reason Hitler killed himself is because he found out that Chuck Norris is Jewish.
Rated 4.17/5 (3059 Votes)
Chuck Norris doesn't play "hide-and-seek." He plays "hide-and-pray-I-don't-find-you."
Rated 4.17/5 (2813 Votes)
Chuck Norris can hear sign language.
Rated 4.17/5 (2709 Votes)
Some kids piss their name in the snow. Chuck Norris can piss his name into concrete.
Rated 4.17/5 (2658 Votes)
Chuck Norris knows Victoria's secret.
Rated 4.17/5 (2625 Votes)
Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.
Rated 4.17/5 (2562 Votes)
Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Chuck Norris can kill 100 percent of whatever the hell he wants.
Rated 4.17/5 (2514 Votes)
Death once had a near-Chuck-Norris experience.
Rated 4.17/5 (2484 Votes)
Chuck Norris can drown a fish.
Rated 4.17/5 (2422 Votes)
Chuck Norris beat the sun in a staring contest.
Rated 4.17/5 (2336 Votes)
Chuck Norris was once charged with three attempted murders in Boulder County, but the Judge quickly dropped the charges because Chuck Norris does not "attempt" murder.
Rated 4.17/5 (2304 Votes)
Chuck Norris can build a snowman out of rain.
Rated 4.17/5 (2252 Votes)
Chuck Norris can kill your imaginary friends.
Rated 4.17/5 (2229 Votes)
Brett Favre can throw a football over 50 yards. Chuck Norris can throw Brett Favre even further.
Rated 4.17/5 (2210 Votes)
Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle.
Rated 4.17/5 (2185 Votes)
When Chuck Norris gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live.
Rated 4.17/5 (2095 Votes)
Chuck Norris was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.
Rated 4.17/5 (2059 Votes)
If you spell Chuck Norris wrong on Google it doesn't say, "Did you mean Chuck Norris?" It simply replies, "Run while you still have the chance."
Rated 4.17/5 (2045 Votes)
Chuck Norris puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter".
Rated 4.17/5 (2015 Votes)
A bulletproof vest wears Chuck Norris for protection.
Rated 4.17/5 (2011 Votes)
Chuck Norris makes onions cry.
Rated 4.17/5 (1900 Votes)
Chuck Norris once went to mars. Thats why there is no signs of life.
Rated 4.17/5 (1877 Votes)
The saddest moment for a child is not when he learns Santa Claus isn't real, it's when he learns Chuck Norris is.
Rated 4.17/5 (1839 Votes)
When Bruce Banner gets mad he turns into the Hulk. When the Hulk gets mad
he turns into Chuck Norris. When Chuck Norris gets mad, run.
Rated 4.17/5 (1812 Votes)
Chuck Norris tells Simon what to do.
Rated 4.17/5 (1795 Votes)
It is considered a great accomplishment to go down Niagara Falls in a wooden barrel. Chuck Norris can go up Niagara Falls in a cardboard box.
Rated 4.17/5 (1749 Votes)
Chuck can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.
Rated 4.17/5 (1748 Votes)
There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.
Rated 4.17/5 (1736 Votes)
M.C. Hammer learned the hard way that Chuck Norris can touch this.
Rated 4.17/5 (1699 Votes)
Chuck Norris CAN find the end of a circle.
Rated 4.17/5 (1528 Votes)
Chuck Norris doesn't dial the wrong number, you pick up the wrong phone.
Jack was nimble, Jack was quick, but Jack still couldn't dodge Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick.
When a zombie apocalypses starts, Chuck Norris doesn't try to survive. The zombies do.
Chuck Norris cheated on his English test............with a calculator.
Chuck Norris is the reason Waldo is hiding.
Rated 4.16/5 (2432 Votes)
Giraffes were created when Chuck Norris uppercutted a horse.
Rated 4.16/5 (2092 Votes)
Chuck Norris's Blood Type is AK-47.
Rated 4.16/5 (2002 Votes)
When Chuck Norris enters a room, he doesn't turn the lights on, he turns the dark off.
Rated 4.16/5 (1983 Votes)
If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but Chuck Norris says its beef, then it's beef.
Rated 4.16/5 (1929 Votes)
Chuck actually died four years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.
Rated 4.16/5 (1850 Votes)
The reason the Holy Grail has never been recovered is because nobody is
brave enough to ask Chuck Norris to give up his favourite coffee mug.
Rated 4.16/5 (1720 Votes)
Chuck Norris can unscramble an egg.
Rated 4.16/5 (1716 Votes)
Chuck Norris can speak braille.
Rated 4.16/5 (1649 Votes)
Chuck Norris is the only person on the planet that can kick you in the back of the face.
Rated 4.16/5 (1636 Votes)
Police label anyone attacking Chuck Norris as a Code 45-11.... a suicide.
Rated 4.16/5 (1602 Votes)
Chuck Norris can hit you so hard your blood will bleed.
Rated 4.16/5 (1469 Votes)
The original title for Alien vs. Predator was Alien and Predator vs Chuck Norris. The film was cancelled shortly after going into preproduction. No one would pay nine dollars to see a movie fourteen seconds long.
Rated 4.16/5 (1458 Votes)
Chuck Norris can speak French... In Russian.
Rated 4.16/5 (1446 Votes)
When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
Rated 4.16/5 (1328 Votes)
If he wanted to, Chuck Norris could rob a bank. By phone.
Rated 4.16/5 (1299 Votes)
Chuck Norris doesnt wear a watch. He decides what time it is.
Rated 4.16/5 (1243 Votes)
Chuck Norris can pick oranges from an apple tree and make the best lemonade youve ever tasted.
Rated 4.16/5 (1038 Votes)
Fear of spiders is called arachnophobia, fear of tight spaces is called claustrophobia, and fear of Chuck Norris is just plain logic.
Chuck Norris doesn't have good aim. His bullets just know better than to miss.
Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
Every Chuck Norris joke is a five star joke just because it says Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris is the only person that can punch a cyclops between the eye.
Rated 4.15/5 (2034 Votes)
Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun.
Rated 4.15/5 (1837 Votes)
Chuck Norris' dog is trained to pick up his own poop because Chuck Norris will not take shit from anyone.
Rated 4.15/5 (1788 Votes)
Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
Rated 4.15/5 (1694 Votes)
Bill Gates lives in constant fear that Chuck Norris' PC will crash.
Rated 4.15/5 (1689 Votes)
A Handicapped parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
Rated 4.15/5 (1621 Votes)
On a high school math test, Chuck Norris put down "Violence" as every one of the answers. He got an A+ on the test because Chuck Norris solves all his problems with Violence.
Rated 4.15/5 (1605 Votes)
The reason newborn babies cry is because they know they have just entered a world with Chuck Norris.
Rated 4.15/5 (1592 Votes)
Chuck Norris doesn't cheat death. He wins fair and square.
Rated 4.15/5 (1514 Votes)
Chuck Norris can squeeze orange juice out of a lemon
Rated 4.15/5 (1510 Votes)
Chuck Norris's computer has no "backspace" button, Chuck Norris doesn't make mistakes.
Rated 4.15/5 (1434 Votes)
Chuck Norris can make a slinky go upstairs.
Rated 4.15/5 (1202 Votes)
Chuck Norris plays russian roulette with a fully loded revolver... and wins.
Rated 4.15/5 (1200 Votes)
If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.
Chuck Norris's daughter lost her virginity, he got it back.
Rated 4.14/5 (1906 Votes)
Chuck Norris beat Halo 1, 2, and 3 on Legendary with a broken Guitar Hero controller.
Rated 4.14/5 (1676 Votes)
Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting implies the possibility of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
Rated 4.14/5 (1448 Votes)
Chuck Norris can cut a knife with butter.
Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a true story: Chuck Norris once swallowed a turtle whole, and when he crapped it out, the turtle was six feet tall and had learned karate.
When Chuck Norris plays dodgeball, the balls dodge him.
The only time Chuck Norris was wrong was when he thought he had made a mistake.
Rated 4.13/5 (1748 Votes)
Chuck Norris used to beat the shit out of his shadow because it was following to close. It now stands a safe 30 feet behind him.
Rated 4.13/5 (1587 Votes)
What was going through the minds of all of Chuck Norris' victims before they died? His shoe.
Rated 4.13/5 (1494 Votes)
Chuck Norris will never have a heart attack...
even a heart isnt foolish enough to attack Chuck Norris.
Rated 4.13/5 (1134 Votes)
The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed miserably.
Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.
Rated 4.12/5 (2133 Votes)
Chuck Norris doesn't teabag , he potatoe sacks.
Rated 4.12/5 (1850 Votes)
Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris pajamas.
Rated 4.12/5 (1778 Votes)
Chuck Norris can sit in the corner of a round room.
Rated 4.12/5 (1187 Votes)
The Kool-aid man once broke through Chuck Norris's wall and said "Ohhh No.".
Chuck Norris can go right and left at the same time.
Chuck Norris can hit a homerun with a toothpick
Chuck Norris can delete the Recycling Bin.
Rated 4.11/5 (1441 Votes)
Chuck Norris runs Windows Vista on his Etch-a-Sketch.
Ghosts sit around campfire and tell Chuck Norris stories.